WHERE ARE YOU BABY?
15/08/12 09.09
What i wrote to digressed from sad, to dancing around any sort of point.
A lot of strange things happened to me after I lost Budsie, and although i dont remember a lot of certain bits of last year, certain bits stick out for me.
They say when paranormal things happen, a lot of it tends to involve electricity. In that space of that week I had 2 ipods break, my hairdryer and straighteners stop working and my phone overheated for no reason.
Due to my work at the weekend and for something to do in desperation, I needed my ipod and as it was only 2 months for some inexplicable reason, I drove to the apple store in the week between losing my brother and his funeral.
I had an appointment but I couldn't park. I found a space in St Vincent street pointing down the way but couldnt maneouvre the car into. I was freaking out and becamse hysterical. I spotted a business man across the road, left my car in the middle of the road and ran over to him shouting "Please help me, I cant park my car and my brothers dead!"
The poor guy looked at my tear stained face, put his hand on my shoulder and took my car keys,walking me over with his arm round me. That act of kindness makes me cry even thinking about it now.
He must have been thinking, "what the fuck", maybe he could see my despair and decided not to question me further. I needed help and stranger obliged.
Thats one thing ive never forgotten no matter how hazy the rest of the week got.
I got to the Apple store, and managed to hold it together until they spoke to me, at this point i hadnt eaten for 5 days, and was sitting watching everyone thinking 'Dont they care I've just lost my brother?" and of course its not that they dont care or that they wouldnt feel empathetic to a stranger but people go about their daily lives, and someone wallowing in their grief, while its sad to me, youre not in the forefront of their minds for long.
When i read Jason Manford the other day, Poor Gary Barlow had just lost his baby daughter and was getting a lot of stick from 'fans' saying he just wanted to make money as he was performing.
Jason said when Amy Winehouse had died people were saying "yeah but what about our troops?" and he said"well yeah but i can feel sorry for both." The human heart has the capacity to feel grief and empathy simultaneously. Its not exclusive."
So anyway, getting back to my story, with the Apples. After people watching while they mucked about trying to fix it, they then told me it would cost £80 to replace.
I fell apart.
I couldnt hold it in anymore. Not because of an ipod but because I felt so devastated and immense pressure even just sitting there and being outside the familiarity of my parents confines that I broke down in the middle of the Apple store.
The girl serving was gobsmacked and immediately came rushing round and put her arms round me, saying she would speak to the manager and there would be no charge for the ipod.
Poor girl thought my heart was breaking because of a music player.
Grief makes people uncomfortable.
They don't know where to look, what to do or say.
What drives me crazy is that I don't know what happens when someone dies. I overthink things waaaaaaaayyyyy too much and it drives me insane. I need to know where my brother is, what he's doing and when i will see him again.
The thing is that we are not supposed to know what happens when we go. no one is going to know until we get there.
What i wrote to digressed from sad, to dancing around any sort of point.
A lot of strange things happened to me after I lost Budsie, and although i dont remember a lot of certain bits of last year, certain bits stick out for me.
They say when paranormal things happen, a lot of it tends to involve electricity. In that space of that week I had 2 ipods break, my hairdryer and straighteners stop working and my phone overheated for no reason.
Due to my work at the weekend and for something to do in desperation, I needed my ipod and as it was only 2 months for some inexplicable reason, I drove to the apple store in the week between losing my brother and his funeral.
I had an appointment but I couldn't park. I found a space in St Vincent street pointing down the way but couldnt maneouvre the car into. I was freaking out and becamse hysterical. I spotted a business man across the road, left my car in the middle of the road and ran over to him shouting "Please help me, I cant park my car and my brothers dead!"
The poor guy looked at my tear stained face, put his hand on my shoulder and took my car keys,walking me over with his arm round me. That act of kindness makes me cry even thinking about it now.
He must have been thinking, "what the fuck", maybe he could see my despair and decided not to question me further. I needed help and stranger obliged.
Thats one thing ive never forgotten no matter how hazy the rest of the week got.
I got to the Apple store, and managed to hold it together until they spoke to me, at this point i hadnt eaten for 5 days, and was sitting watching everyone thinking 'Dont they care I've just lost my brother?" and of course its not that they dont care or that they wouldnt feel empathetic to a stranger but people go about their daily lives, and someone wallowing in their grief, while its sad to me, youre not in the forefront of their minds for long.
When i read Jason Manford the other day, Poor Gary Barlow had just lost his baby daughter and was getting a lot of stick from 'fans' saying he just wanted to make money as he was performing.
Jason said when Amy Winehouse had died people were saying "yeah but what about our troops?" and he said"well yeah but i can feel sorry for both." The human heart has the capacity to feel grief and empathy simultaneously. Its not exclusive."
So anyway, getting back to my story, with the Apples. After people watching while they mucked about trying to fix it, they then told me it would cost £80 to replace.
I fell apart.
I couldnt hold it in anymore. Not because of an ipod but because I felt so devastated and immense pressure even just sitting there and being outside the familiarity of my parents confines that I broke down in the middle of the Apple store.
The girl serving was gobsmacked and immediately came rushing round and put her arms round me, saying she would speak to the manager and there would be no charge for the ipod.
Poor girl thought my heart was breaking because of a music player.
Grief makes people uncomfortable.
They don't know where to look, what to do or say.
What drives me crazy is that I don't know what happens when someone dies. I overthink things waaaaaaaayyyyy too much and it drives me insane. I need to know where my brother is, what he's doing and when i will see him again.
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