WADING THROUGH THE FOG
My brother died on a Thursday.
Thursday 26 May 2011.
I remember one night in January he was walking me home and said "Angie, I feel so old, Im 32 now!" I laughed at him and said he was old. He wasn't old, he never will be now.
I looked at his coffin lid, "32 years old,"
and said to my mum "He'll be 32 forever now!'
I'm scared of being 32 next year myself. Maybe that year will pass in a blur.
I suppose everyone deals with this differently, thing is they don't give you a rulebook. I literally did not know what to do.
I still don't I guess. I remember desperately trying to get drunk to numb the grief, and it just didnt work. Downing pint after pint of fizzing lager, and boking through whisky chasers, even on an empty stomach did nothing for me.
I don't remember going to sleep that night, and i dont remmeber getting up but I do recall going into the living room and my mother phoning everyone.
I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for her, delivering tragic news like that when her heart was breaking herself. Poor thing.
The only person I could think of phoning in the world was my parents minister. Not for me, but for them. I couldnt think of anything else to do that would bring them solace and comfort but i couldnt get hold of him and i panicked.
My mum sent me next door to tell the neighbours, think she was just trying to give me a purpose to be honest, and i went next door, they hadnt seen for a while and didnt recognise me with my flaming red hair and just said "My brothers dead!!.' and slumped against a door frame. The elderly couple looked at me for a few minutes then took me inside and sat me down.
It took them a good 10 minutes before they realised who my brother was. They sat listening to my sobs and tried to get me tea and i dont know what happened next.
WHen i walked out their house and back to my parents, my entire family had called in sick and were pulling up outside the house. I saw my mums youngest brother and nearly collapsed getting to him. He was the first one I saw. He held me and half carried me inside.
Im telling you my side because although i dont want to seem selfish, im finding it hard enough to remember what happened to me let alone know what was happening around me. To this day, i couldnt tell you what my son was doing.
Somehow i took a shower and was in autopilot, i stood in front of the mirror brushing and brushing my hair over and over again when i heard my cousins rushing up the stairs, and pulled me into a hug. I sobbed into their shoulders. I sob when im writing this.
This is so painful to write stuff like this, it's so raw but writing down how i feel is something ive always done, my whole life as ive explained and I feel like this is no different. I feel like ive lost a whole year of my life and trying to capture it back is essential, mainly because you cannot change the past. You don't like it, you dont want to remember it but you cant change it.
The night i found out we had lost him was without a doubt the worst night ive ever had and the worst i hope ill ever have.
Im trying to conctrate on my grief because i feel like too much detail would be disrespectful to others who are grieving for him. I can only describe how i feel.
I sung at his funeral. It wasnt intentional.
Me and brother have always sung together. He was a good singer. It wasnt always the case though, in primary 5 he wasnt allowed in the school choir because Mrs Mcpherson told him he "sung in his boots!" He was very upset haa.
On long car journeys, we would sing musicals together. Phantom of the Opera was a favourite, I would do the operatic bits and he would be the Phantom. We would do Starlight express, i loved that one, Oliver sometimes, and the Sound of Music.
When the time came, I stood up and said what i wanted to say and was proud i was able to do, i watched at the sea of faces all there to show their love for him, some having travelled a long way and focused on 3 people.
At the end i said "will everyone sing with me so i dont feel like a tool, doing it on my own" and we all sang '
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE,
MY ONLY SUNSHINE,
YOU MAKE ME HAPPY
WHEN SKIES ARE GREY
YOU NEVER KNOW DEAR
HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY SUNSHINE AWAY
Everyone sang along with me and im grateful for that.
Our entire lives that was our song as we were adopted together and he was very protective, he would sing it to me, ruffling my hair.
Britains got talent the final was on that week and the guy who won used to work in my work, and he sung a song by Josh Groban. The strange thing was that was a song i had put on Facebook the day after i lost him and the last post on my brothers facebook was by the same guy. Maybe it was fate.
THis was the one i put on and the one below was the one my brother loved, he said it was about his country and he loved his country.
Thursday 26 May 2011.
I remember one night in January he was walking me home and said "Angie, I feel so old, Im 32 now!" I laughed at him and said he was old. He wasn't old, he never will be now.
I looked at his coffin lid, "32 years old,"
and said to my mum "He'll be 32 forever now!'
I'm scared of being 32 next year myself. Maybe that year will pass in a blur.
I suppose everyone deals with this differently, thing is they don't give you a rulebook. I literally did not know what to do.
I still don't I guess. I remember desperately trying to get drunk to numb the grief, and it just didnt work. Downing pint after pint of fizzing lager, and boking through whisky chasers, even on an empty stomach did nothing for me.
I don't remember going to sleep that night, and i dont remmeber getting up but I do recall going into the living room and my mother phoning everyone.
I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for her, delivering tragic news like that when her heart was breaking herself. Poor thing.
The only person I could think of phoning in the world was my parents minister. Not for me, but for them. I couldnt think of anything else to do that would bring them solace and comfort but i couldnt get hold of him and i panicked.
My mum sent me next door to tell the neighbours, think she was just trying to give me a purpose to be honest, and i went next door, they hadnt seen for a while and didnt recognise me with my flaming red hair and just said "My brothers dead!!.' and slumped against a door frame. The elderly couple looked at me for a few minutes then took me inside and sat me down.
It took them a good 10 minutes before they realised who my brother was. They sat listening to my sobs and tried to get me tea and i dont know what happened next.
WHen i walked out their house and back to my parents, my entire family had called in sick and were pulling up outside the house. I saw my mums youngest brother and nearly collapsed getting to him. He was the first one I saw. He held me and half carried me inside.
Im telling you my side because although i dont want to seem selfish, im finding it hard enough to remember what happened to me let alone know what was happening around me. To this day, i couldnt tell you what my son was doing.
Somehow i took a shower and was in autopilot, i stood in front of the mirror brushing and brushing my hair over and over again when i heard my cousins rushing up the stairs, and pulled me into a hug. I sobbed into their shoulders. I sob when im writing this.
This is so painful to write stuff like this, it's so raw but writing down how i feel is something ive always done, my whole life as ive explained and I feel like this is no different. I feel like ive lost a whole year of my life and trying to capture it back is essential, mainly because you cannot change the past. You don't like it, you dont want to remember it but you cant change it.
The night i found out we had lost him was without a doubt the worst night ive ever had and the worst i hope ill ever have.
Im trying to conctrate on my grief because i feel like too much detail would be disrespectful to others who are grieving for him. I can only describe how i feel.
I sung at his funeral. It wasnt intentional.
Me and brother have always sung together. He was a good singer. It wasnt always the case though, in primary 5 he wasnt allowed in the school choir because Mrs Mcpherson told him he "sung in his boots!" He was very upset haa.
On long car journeys, we would sing musicals together. Phantom of the Opera was a favourite, I would do the operatic bits and he would be the Phantom. We would do Starlight express, i loved that one, Oliver sometimes, and the Sound of Music.
At his funeral I wanted to speak. I did, his wife did and his brother in law too. All morning I avoided the tears. I knew once I started i wouldnt be able to stop so i went a walk, sat by the river and wrote what i wanted to say.
I read it outloud to the birds over and over again, without crying. I drove to Morrisons, and bought Rescue Remedy, Apparently its the closest thing you can get to valium without a prescription haha.
I bought whisky too and put some in a hip flask.
When the time came, driving up behind my lost brother, when we turned the corner there were 200 hundred people waiting on him.
I thought they were there for a different funeral. But my brother was popular. God its agony writing him in the past tense, absolutely devastating.
Some of their faces as i watched them out the car window was devastating. I could recognise their agony but couldnt look for too long, i was trying to focus on being able to say what i wanted to say without the tears coming.
I had picked and bought the flowers for him from our family.My mum had sent me to the florist and said that could be my goodbye to him, for something to do i think. I broke down in that florist and the poor 20 year old girl didnt know what to do. He was very Scottish my brother so i chose thistles and we laid them with him.
He had a photo of us in with him and his gorilla slippers.
At the end i said "will everyone sing with me so i dont feel like a tool, doing it on my own" and we all sang '
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE,
MY ONLY SUNSHINE,
YOU MAKE ME HAPPY
WHEN SKIES ARE GREY
YOU NEVER KNOW DEAR
HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY SUNSHINE AWAY
Everyone sang along with me and im grateful for that.
Our entire lives that was our song as we were adopted together and he was very protective, he would sing it to me, ruffling my hair.
Britains got talent the final was on that week and the guy who won used to work in my work, and he sung a song by Josh Groban. The strange thing was that was a song i had put on Facebook the day after i lost him and the last post on my brothers facebook was by the same guy. Maybe it was fate.
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