GET HAPPY
30/08/12.
What i want to say here doesnt tie in with anything previously so its a new post.
I think I am in the throes of depression, i feel kind of manic, swinging about constantly with nowhere in particular to go and nothing in particular to do.
Theres' a kind of sad desperation about me for a long time. I don't mean with regards to men, I mean in regards to everything.
On the surface, everything is funny, everything is fine, good even. Not in my heart,
Quite frankly, without bringing anyone else down and i have to remember i write this for me, for my therapy no one else, I am lost.
I can't think of a better way of describing it.
When i spoke at Scott's funeral, I said he was so loud his whole life that i was always known as Scott's sister, and since he was gone, i feel like i have lost my identity.
I dont know what i have to look forward to, constantly trying to take reisse places so we have something to do.
We have a footie game coming up, Scotland vs Macedonia, going to see Michael Mcintyre at a gig, trying to maybe think about next years holiday and to a lesser extent, im maybe not as lost as last year but im still in that pointless kind of "FUCK IT!!" attitude.
I have to physically stop myself crying, like today, was a quick 5 minutes in the toilets.
I read back my old journals that i might post some here and a lot of it, was what am i saving money for,why am i trying to lose weight. What for??? so i can not be here in 5 minutes time like Scott was.
The heartbreaking thought that we all just have the fleeting moment we are living in right now.
I don't know what to do. Ive done everything i can think of. I have booked things, gone places, spent money,tried things.
End of the day it all equates to the fact that I just cannot be happy just now.
Im not miserable all day every day,but i feel kind of empty.
There's just nothing of me.
I dont mean (there's nothing of my weight, there's plenty of that)!
Ha see maybe my dry sense of humour is still there.
Whats the answer? If anyone knows, feel free to email me. What do i do? Antidepressants .............no they would dull me down and i dont want to be colourless.
Do nothing...............jog on slowly as i am doing just now, going nowhere doing nothing
Get happy...........wish it was that easy!!!
What i want to say here doesnt tie in with anything previously so its a new post.
I think I am in the throes of depression, i feel kind of manic, swinging about constantly with nowhere in particular to go and nothing in particular to do.
Theres' a kind of sad desperation about me for a long time. I don't mean with regards to men, I mean in regards to everything.
On the surface, everything is funny, everything is fine, good even. Not in my heart,
Quite frankly, without bringing anyone else down and i have to remember i write this for me, for my therapy no one else, I am lost.
I can't think of a better way of describing it.
When i spoke at Scott's funeral, I said he was so loud his whole life that i was always known as Scott's sister, and since he was gone, i feel like i have lost my identity.
I dont know what i have to look forward to, constantly trying to take reisse places so we have something to do.
We have a footie game coming up, Scotland vs Macedonia, going to see Michael Mcintyre at a gig, trying to maybe think about next years holiday and to a lesser extent, im maybe not as lost as last year but im still in that pointless kind of "FUCK IT!!" attitude.
I have to physically stop myself crying, like today, was a quick 5 minutes in the toilets.
I read back my old journals that i might post some here and a lot of it, was what am i saving money for,why am i trying to lose weight. What for??? so i can not be here in 5 minutes time like Scott was.
The heartbreaking thought that we all just have the fleeting moment we are living in right now.
I don't know what to do. Ive done everything i can think of. I have booked things, gone places, spent money,tried things.
End of the day it all equates to the fact that I just cannot be happy just now.
Im not miserable all day every day,but i feel kind of empty.
There's just nothing of me.
I dont mean (there's nothing of my weight, there's plenty of that)!
Ha see maybe my dry sense of humour is still there.
Whats the answer? If anyone knows, feel free to email me. What do i do? Antidepressants .............no they would dull me down and i dont want to be colourless.
Do nothing...............jog on slowly as i am doing just now, going nowhere doing nothing
Get happy...........wish it was that easy!!!
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