IT'S NOT THE PATH YOU THOUGHT IT WAS
28/08/12
i cant write about him all the time but the problem with things like this is that you already had your life mapped out with time spent and planned with the person who has gone and now you have to plan a different route.
You can't do what you were going to.
I get incredibly jealous when i hear of people becoming Aunts, because i know that will never be me now.
I have lost that chance.
My son has lost the chance of those cousins, more grandchildren for my parents are gone.
THings have changed. Forever.
I remember being distraught because i couldnt stand the thought of getting to 80 years old and saying "yeah you know i used to have a brother 50 years ago."
I couldnt imagine it.
My mum saying she had a daughter and i told her, 'but mum you still have a son, you always will have."
Our lives have changed beyond recognition, they are sadder and worse.
You can try and put a brave face on it and the truth is i have no idea how my parents are.
They will sit and listen to my angry desperate rants because im very vocal but my mum especially is broken hearted in silence.
She doesnt want to bestow her grief on me.
My dad used to phone all the time if mum was out, i dont think he could stand the silence so would call me for hours and talk about mundane shite, like poliitcs or the price of petrol. really he just didnt want to be alone.
After work when i stay overnight at my parents, i would come back and sit in the car in the dark outside their house, looking at it, remembering the smell of garlic the summer we moved in, the songs we would sing sitting upstairs in Scott's room and the overwhelming sadness that the house that sits there, has nothing of him left in it.
I was listening tonight to some songs we listened to together and have put them up here for your enjoyment aha. I HAVE threaded them throughout the text here
i cant write about him all the time but the problem with things like this is that you already had your life mapped out with time spent and planned with the person who has gone and now you have to plan a different route.
You can't do what you were going to.
I get incredibly jealous when i hear of people becoming Aunts, because i know that will never be me now.
I have lost that chance.
My son has lost the chance of those cousins, more grandchildren for my parents are gone.
THings have changed. Forever.
I remember being distraught because i couldnt stand the thought of getting to 80 years old and saying "yeah you know i used to have a brother 50 years ago."
I couldnt imagine it.
My mum saying she had a daughter and i told her, 'but mum you still have a son, you always will have."
Our lives have changed beyond recognition, they are sadder and worse.
You can try and put a brave face on it and the truth is i have no idea how my parents are.
They will sit and listen to my angry desperate rants because im very vocal but my mum especially is broken hearted in silence.
She doesnt want to bestow her grief on me.
My dad used to phone all the time if mum was out, i dont think he could stand the silence so would call me for hours and talk about mundane shite, like poliitcs or the price of petrol. really he just didnt want to be alone.
After work when i stay overnight at my parents, i would come back and sit in the car in the dark outside their house, looking at it, remembering the smell of garlic the summer we moved in, the songs we would sing sitting upstairs in Scott's room and the overwhelming sadness that the house that sits there, has nothing of him left in it.
I was listening tonight to some songs we listened to together and have put them up here for your enjoyment aha. I HAVE threaded them throughout the text here
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