LOVE IS ENDURING

16/08/12 19.23

I didnt write this today, but am writing it off the cuff and putting it down here. I didnt put it in my journal so ill copy it in later.

I am undecided about the afterlife. In my hopes and dreams I am desperate to see my brother again and my dad seems convinced that, when we all get where we are going, those we loved here, we will love there too.

Love is enduring so they say. Love is the stuff of the soul, and it doesn't disintegrate with the body when we leave. My parents, who are religious, coped with my brothers passing by saying his body was a vessel, and that is the only thing thats gone. The spirit and life he had in him, still floats around. I hope it doesnt when im having a shower thought haha.

The thing about is, that we are never going to know until we get there and veen then, we can't give anyone a heads up.I think way too much about things like this, and i always was a bit morbid but it fascinates me.

Like that film Flatliners when they try and put each other under to die, so they can see what its like then shock each other back to life. It doesnt work because they are never truly dead. See the orb in the photo below, I could swear that means something.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for writing all these sad sad things about Scott, because he wasnt a sad person. He was the loudest, most sarcastic hilarious person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. 

He is the only person in the world I have known every second of my life because we were adopted together. 

We had a hard time of it before we were adopted by wonderful parents, but he was very protective of me even then and that's how it ended up. Being a big brother, it was always ok for him to slag me off but not for anyone else. 

Talking about him in the past tense constantly is draining on me, it tugs at me and I hate it. I honestly hate it. I never dreamed this would happen and even all these months on, things are still as horrific as they were back then. We had a bond stronger than most siblings, more than likely because of what we went through together. 

He called me 'My Sunshine" and at 14, 15 he would come running down the stairs to me sitting in my room and beg me to come up to his room and hang out. Never left me alone. He was hilarious. You could never have a serious conversation with him, EVER. 

Once he babysat my son while i was working, i text and asked "Is everything ok?" He texts back "No, everything has gone mental. The house has disappeared. one minute i was sitting in it, went to the toilet, came back it had disappeared. I think the cat took it. I cant be sure though, ill ask Reisse." 

See what I mean? He couldnt just text back 'Yes no problem!!!'

My parents took us on a cruise when we were younger, I was 14 and he was 16. They had a competition on the first night for the first people who could bring up a picture of the queen would win a bottle of champagne. Scott ran up with a 20p and we won. Because we looked older, they assumed we were a married couple with the same second name, we didnt correct them as it meant we got served at the bar. Of course, we were every teenagers best friend that holiday. 

He was always making friends. It was so easy for him. I was in his shadow but that was where i wanted to be. His death has sapped my confidence although it doesnt seem it to the outside world. 

On holiday he would get everyone around the same age together to hang around in a wee gang. I heard he did the same on his honeymoon so he didnt change as he got older. 

When I was running the Karaoke final, he and his wife were in it, so I said to him, "now just pretend 

you dont know me so the judges don;'t think you are my favourite." Of course it comes to his turn to sing, he runs up grabs in a hug, kisses my cheek and then sang "the Wonder of you." 

I laughed and shouted at him saying "what did i tell you?'

He shrugged and said "Ach I wasnt going to fuckin win anyway!!"

I loved him, everyone loved him. I'd slag him off the way he spoke to people in a posh voice when he would pick up the phone and they would revel in it but they couldnt see the faces he was making haha.

 

In primary 6 I used to be in love with a guy called Craig Rodgers, who of course didnt know i was alive but eventually it came to the school disco and I was desperate for him to take me. My brother put a note in Craig's lunchbox and said "Ask out my sister or i'll batter you!!" So I went to the disco with the boy and I never found out about the note until i was 18. 

At school discos, scott was the first one up on the dancefloor, sometimes the only one. Always at Grease Lightening. He would get up, everyone would clear the floor and he would go for it. I would be stood at the back pretending to be embarassed while everyone laughed. I wasn't embarassed, i adored him every day of my life.