NO NAME.......NO ONE

I CANNOT cope tonight. A lot has happened in the last few hours and I cannot cope anymore. I dont know what im supposed to do.
Counselling has been suggested I dont know how many times but i keep adamant that its not for me.
I dont want to sit pouring my heart out to some randomer, but then i suppose thats what im doing here.

I want to scream.

In the words of Emeli Sande "I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to scream till the words dry out!!!!!"

Reality check, i am not me anymore. I am a shadow of misery with a mask of fun on. I dont even feel like fun. I wallow and despise, I despair, I am selfish, I am desperate.

I am a sad shadow, an epic torture of combined proportions.

I have so much I want to say but, although the internet is not the appropriate place to do it, i feel like i have lost my people skills that enable me to say it in person to the people i want to.

We all grieve in different ways and my way of grieving is not acceptable to some people.

What do i do???

Where do i go? How do i move on when i dont want to.
IM getting told im not appropriate but then im invited places that are solely meant for grieving. Is my confusion justified.

I dont want to go anywhere or do anything.
All i want to do is sit here.
How long does it go on for?? I dont want to be cryptic and im sorry for all the question marks on here but I feel like i am a big fucking question mark

NO ONE GETS IT!!!!!!!

THis blog outpouring is bringing to the surface of my what should be buried. It s not buried. It never will be.

I feel like a lumbering idiot, a charity case, always in the way,
Its the way i have always felt although its not always obvious.

I am going off my trolley, I actually feel like im turning into a hysterical mess and to be honest, i wouldnt want to be around me either.

I dont want to be spending time with myself.

If i saw me right now i would slap the face.

The conversation i have just had is sending me in to a spiral. This  person does not get me and i dont get her, we dont understand each others way of greiving and if it was any other situation we would be parting ways but i dont want to

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH fuck fuck fuck

its like the ranting of an insane person.
fuck it im away to drink the lambrini thats been stashed in the fridge

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