TEAR STAINED FACE AND LOSING FAITH
20/08/12 23.38
Drove home tonight and literally sobbed all the way.
The grief hit me like a steel freight train, right in the pit of my stomach.Some days, I can be totally fine, I think of him every day of course I do, but the tears tend to trail down my face and then stop every day but today I couldn't breathe.
I miss him, I miss my brother.
Some days I think people are probably thinking, 'God after 15 months, get over it!!' Maybe they're not, but in my paranoid head, I think they do. Question is, do I care?
Of course not.To certain extent I want to avoid boring people with talk of him but the bond we had won't go away.The day it does is the day I stop walking this earth.
My heart broke that day. I could feel it shatter.
It has shaped my life and the person who is writing this at this very moment.
01/01/12
Dear Budsie,
desperately heartbroken my darling. Im tired of trying to be chirpy and post things on your Facebook page that say im getting on with you. Im not getting on wthout you, how can i?
I miss you more than i ever though possible, nothing has ever been so painful in my entire life.
I pray to God you are ok and that i will never have to feel the way i have felt this year in my life ever again.
Budsie, you are my best friend, i adore you, i utterly adore you.
Just when things were going so well for you, you had Mel, you were going the way you wanted to go and you wanted to be a father.
How unfair.
I feel that this is the only way i can be frank.Maybe i shouldnt be this heartbroken months on, but I am.
even more so now the reality of not having you is sinking in.
i miss you, i miss you, i miss you more than i ever thought anything was possible.
I want you to laugh at me, be with me, play games with me, teach me poker, come and share my life again.
you have been the only constant i have ever had from the beginning and i never dreamed there would be a time in my life when you wouldnt be walking beside me.
life is colourless without you.
i have been selfish in the time thats passed since you left.I feel devastated for everyone, of course i do, but for us, for the time we have had taken away from us, i want it back. I want you back.
i want to see you again, i love you. I dont know how to move on from this, i cant seea way through the fog.
I cant think about anything but you.
I feel like im countig down the days to nothing, I love other people. Of course i do but im still cloudy and colourless with out you.
You are my brother, my protector, you have always been there to stick up for me, look after me, take me places i didnt want to go on my own.
you are loud, bossy, and funny. You made my personality what it is. People say im funny but thats because of you.
How i miss you, i don't want there to be a new year, a new beginning because my era ended with you. \
Drove home tonight and literally sobbed all the way.
The grief hit me like a steel freight train, right in the pit of my stomach.Some days, I can be totally fine, I think of him every day of course I do, but the tears tend to trail down my face and then stop every day but today I couldn't breathe.
I miss him, I miss my brother.
Some days I think people are probably thinking, 'God after 15 months, get over it!!' Maybe they're not, but in my paranoid head, I think they do. Question is, do I care?
Of course not.To certain extent I want to avoid boring people with talk of him but the bond we had won't go away.The day it does is the day I stop walking this earth.
My heart broke that day. I could feel it shatter.
It has shaped my life and the person who is writing this at this very moment.
01/01/12
Dear Budsie,
desperately heartbroken my darling. Im tired of trying to be chirpy and post things on your Facebook page that say im getting on with you. Im not getting on wthout you, how can i?
I miss you more than i ever though possible, nothing has ever been so painful in my entire life.
I pray to God you are ok and that i will never have to feel the way i have felt this year in my life ever again.
Budsie, you are my best friend, i adore you, i utterly adore you.
Just when things were going so well for you, you had Mel, you were going the way you wanted to go and you wanted to be a father.
How unfair.
I feel that this is the only way i can be frank.Maybe i shouldnt be this heartbroken months on, but I am.
even more so now the reality of not having you is sinking in.
i miss you, i miss you, i miss you more than i ever thought anything was possible.
I want you to laugh at me, be with me, play games with me, teach me poker, come and share my life again.
you have been the only constant i have ever had from the beginning and i never dreamed there would be a time in my life when you wouldnt be walking beside me.
life is colourless without you.
i have been selfish in the time thats passed since you left.I feel devastated for everyone, of course i do, but for us, for the time we have had taken away from us, i want it back. I want you back.
i want to see you again, i love you. I dont know how to move on from this, i cant seea way through the fog.
I cant think about anything but you.
I feel like im countig down the days to nothing, I love other people. Of course i do but im still cloudy and colourless with out you.
You are my brother, my protector, you have always been there to stick up for me, look after me, take me places i didnt want to go on my own.
you are loud, bossy, and funny. You made my personality what it is. People say im funny but thats because of you.
How i miss you, i don't want there to be a new year, a new beginning because my era ended with you. \
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