STARTS WITH A TRAGEDY

This is me.
I am Firework Wonderful, apparently and yeah i'll go with that. I was called it last night and can think of worse things, so i'll go with the best one at the moment.


14/08/2012   22.06
I would like to say im one of these shy retiring people that only write stuff on the internet because they're scared of real life, if only that were true. I am loud, sometimes even when i don't want to be. I cry a lot, laugh a lot, talk loud and interupt conversations. 

I am likeable, annoying, emotional and an intense pain in the ass. 
I think its because of this intensity that it was suggested to me to start a blog. I have a lot going on in my life, well sometimes its a lot, and sometimes its a whole lot of nothing but to me it's a black hole. 

i'm tired so i'll tend to witter on, but I generally have a lot to say. 
I, at the moment, have a stomach like an apron and it's one of my hang ups, and its probably stopping me doing a lot of things id like to do, but im too busy eating thorntons caramel shortcake to get rid of it. 

To get the sad bit out of the way, last year i had the worst time of my life when i lost my brother. We were adopted together, were so close, and he died aged 32. 
I am now 31 and feel lost every single day of my life. THat day was horrific, simply horrific. 

I am not and will not take away from the grief of anyone else who has ever lost anyone but since this is my blog, i am focusing on my grief as a sort of therapy to get myself back to being me. 
I have no willingness to see a counsellor but will insetad pore myself out on 'paper' as i have done my whole life. I have always kept a journal, and although i write one roughly every 3 months on (as Will Ferrell would say) leatherbound books, I cannot bear to read last year's one. 
That one needs to stay shut. 

At some point in your life, you are prepapred for losing your parents, it is a devastating thought but one you really think you should be dealing with, however now, 15 months on, I feel as lost as i ever did after losing Scott. 

The shock of it hit me like a lightening bolt and i know its one ill never claw my way back from. 
I mostly am on facebook but I feel i have bored my friends enough by my personal tragedy so the blogger world is getting it instead 

I know i will get no sympathy here, nor do i want any but I feel its a fresh start here, people that generally know nothing about me and although might think its sad, dont generally care about my pain. 

I cry every day, not all day every day, but at least once a day.

Above is my family on my brothers wedding day. My son, in front was particularly close to his uncle and hasnt spoken much about him. 

I still dont understand how someone can be here one minute and gone the next, thats what gets me.

My devastation just merges from one day to the next and i feel my brothers passing has changed me as a person. I am impatient, angry a lot, and have less time for people. 

Im turning into a person i dont want to be and i have to vent before it destroys me from the inside. 

I am or was a people person. I am loud so people see you as bubbly, happy blah blah blah when half the time, if somoene wanted to sing "dire straits ' Walk of life, in a karaoke I would want to rip their heads off as that was his song haha. 

he wouldnt care but i did. 

I will try and make this so its not all about grief but i feel i have to do something, as i said, i am beginning to hate myself. 

I am not who i was or who i want to be. Im certainly not who Scott would want me to be. 

God i miss him so much i can hardly breathe at times.

Sometimes I find it easier to imagine he still lives away and whenever i phoned he would answer the ohone and say 'what can i do for you?'

Id say 'oh aye so i cant just phone my big brother for no reason?' Then he would take the piss out me. We had this thing where we would swear with out swearing so our parents didnt know. He would call me a table then it would progress into being a forest etc etc 

I like to think of myself as still being a funny person and i think my facebook reflects that but sometimes, it feels like a mask im wearing, like people expect me to carry on jokes when i feel like screaming inside. 

Ill leave it here for tonight and go and lose myself watching the Bourne Supremacy.

Ciao for now!