GETTING BACK TO ME!!!

30/08/12 On my facebook the night before my brother died, i was watching Les Miserables and I wrote, "I love Les Miserabs so much, it makes my heart stop!!' Only today did the irony strike me.

30/08/12 Some of the people shown here have made a difference to my year, most of them don't know it but in one way or another, they have made a difference to helping me. Charlie's Angels, in Jinty's. Heather is hard as nails, but even she offered a cuddle when i needed it. I took it!!!. Louise, sarcastic and cold, haha. rubbed my shoulder, the first act of empathy i have ever seen, maybe thats what made it all the more genuine  My son, could gush about him  all day long, but i think the rest of the blog will testify to that My big cousin, Derek, who reminds me so much of Scott in so many ways,  Love him. He is sympathetic but straight to the point and has a 'screw you' attitude which belies his heart.  Girls he's single by the way!!!! YOu know what to do! My best Geordie pal Rhiannon. Man i love this chick. Met her in Turkey years ago when she came and asked me if her boyfriend loved her. I said "Is he here?' She say...

30/08/12. What i want to say here doesnt tie in with anything previously so its a new post.  I think I am in the throes of depression, i feel kind of manic, swinging about constantly with nowhere in particular to go and nothing in particular to do.  Theres' a kind of sad desperation about me for a long time. I don't mean with regards to men, I mean in regards to everything.  On the surface, everything is funny, everything is fine, good even. Not in my heart, Quite frankly, without bringing anyone else down and i have to remember i write this for me, for my therapy no one else, I am lost.  I can't think of a better way of describing it.  When i spoke at Scott's funeral, I said he was so loud his whole life that i was always known as Scott's sister, and since he was gone, i feel like i have lost my identity.  I dont know what i have to look forward to, constantly trying to take reisse places so we have something to do.  We have a footie...

30/08/12 Sitting here thinking, Everything has changed so much.  TOmorrow would have been my brothers 4th wedding anniversary and his ashes are resting near to where this photo of my family was taken.  So much has changed in that time, and none of it has been good. Marriage break ups, illness, much loved houses up for sale.  Everything is too different.  I love my family dearly, every single one of them, blood or not, its the only family I would ever want, but when i look at the photo above as an example, I just want it back where it was.  I want everything back to the way things were.

29/08/12 im supposed to be sleeping as i was up really early (6.45) thats in the morning not the night (im not a lap dancer working the graveyard shift).  i was just about to go to sleep and started crying.  Not in a woe is me kind of way but in a way that i feel lonely and darkness isn't fun on your own.  I have had a few emails from people over the last few days telling me what this blog means to them in terms of losing someone and from what i can ascertain, a lot of it boils down the same thing.  No matter who it is you have lost, your child, (God forbid), Your brother, sister, Aunt, uncle, Grandparent, the rules are the same.  THERE SIMPLY ARE NONE!!. No one knows what to do.  Some people can maybe relate to some of the stuff I'm going through because in their own way, grief is different for everyone.  I can't say i know how they feel if they tell me they lost someone because i dont know. I don't know how someo...

28/08/12 MUSIC invokes feelings in everyone, it inspires things other senses can't do  A song will always remind you of someone or something, maybe to the extent that you remember the exact moment you were doing something and heard it for the first time.  For some reason, I heard this song by James morrison, just after scott went, and i know he would have liked it. It has stuck with me all this time, and even now i need to sing it every week, like a ritual.  I have no idea why.  I have put up a video of me singing it just after he went and i sound awful but it demonstrates that grief can tear you apart.  A girl came up to me just after i sang and said "god you can tell you're heartbroken, you sound hollow"! Cheers mate haha. I have put the lyrics up too because i love James morrison, and i love this song "I Won't Let You Go" When it's black Take a little time to hold yourself Take a little time to feel around before it's ...

28/08/12 i cant write about him all the time but the problem with things like this is that you already had your life mapped out with time spent and planned with the person who has gone and now you have to plan a different route. You can't do what you were going to. I get incredibly jealous when i hear of people becoming Aunts, because i know that will never be me now. I have lost that chance. My son has lost the chance of those cousins, more grandchildren for my parents are gone. THings have changed. Forever. I remember being distraught because i couldnt stand the thought of getting to 80 years old and saying "yeah you know i used to have a brother 50 years ago." I couldnt imagine it. My mum saying she had a daughter and i told her, 'but mum you still have a son, you always will have." Our lives have changed beyond recognition, they are sadder and worse. You can try and put a brave face on it and the truth is i have no idea how...

26/08/12 NOthing is bigger than you.  Nothing is bigger than your life. For a lot of people its treading water, and waiting for life to start but its already going on around you and you're missing it. i'm missing it.  It's exhausting trying to think of things to do all the time to fill up space and im knackered when i didnt think this is how my life would be.  I know some people don't get the bond i had with my brother and thats fine, i probably wouldnt understand it if i didnt own it myself but the fact is that its there, whether other people like it or not.  What we went through as toddlers, whether i remember it or not, has left a scar on me because i know it happened.  My childhood was wonderful, dont get me wrong. Absolutely wonderful. You couldnt have got better parents than the ones i ended up with.  What amazing people. I dont say that in a schamltzy american sitcom way but in a genuine, loving way.  MY mother was born to be a mo...

27/08/12 It is true that you have to keep your mind active to avoid demons but grief makes you lazy. It makes you unapproachable and sometimes angry.  Speaking for myself i know it made me irrational.  I get very upset and blow things out of proportion, 'making mountains out of molehills.' I feel that there is so much change in my family in days of late that i dont feel like to same person. Everything fell apart.  At my brothers funeral, there were family members we hadnt seen for years, all made the journey to show their love for him and i remember my cousin saying "Look at all these people, only Scott could have got these people in the same room together.'  It was lovely and although my snottered tear stained face made it impossible for me to speak to half of them, i still appreciated their presence.  While they showed the slideshow of his photos at the reception type thing afterwards, Cameron sat holding my hand. I hadn't seen Csa...

26/08/12 Part of my process is that i need something to look forward to.  i have to plan and save up and look forward to something or it is like you;re treading water.  For that very reason, I have planned our holidays for next year. I like going on holidays and trips with my son, we have a great time.  So far we have been to Majorca, Turkey 4 times, Tunisia, Cuba, all around Scotland, obviously, London (manchester once because I couldnt find Newcastle hahah) and Ireland. But the world is a big place and our time is short, so next years journey is going to be epic.  It was mostly Reisses idea. Its a rough outline We are going on a Euro trip.  It will take a lot of planning but thats what im needing just now.  We will go from Glasgow to Paris, and spend 2 days there. You can buy a rail ticket you can use all over Europe (kind of like a saltcoats version of a mega bus ticket haha. The scottish people will understand that one).  ...

Today started off with a migraine and a a rant to a good friend Jo. She is maybe one of the only people who got me for a long time. and not because she has been in the same position but maybe because rationality and empathy has grown with her. I remember walking to the town on the sunday after my brother went because i didnt want to sit......so i walked. I came to a crossroads and could have gone one way or another. THe church or the Pub. I took the way my parents would be proud of and ended up in the Lords house., I was distraught and saw an elderly lady who was friends with my mum. She sat with me, her frail arms around my shoulders as they heaved and let me cry. Her kindness made me cry worse than before and she asked the minister to come and say a prayer with me. The minister was a stand in one because my parents friend was on holiday and i think he was only 26. he had no experience of a young persons sudden death and his awkwardness was apparent ;. I could feel myself ...

I CANNOT cope tonight. A lot has happened in the last few hours and I cannot cope anymore. I dont know what im supposed to do. Counselling has been suggested I dont know how many times but i keep adamant that its not for me. I dont want to sit pouring my heart out to some randomer, but then i suppose thats what im doing here. I want to scream. In the words of Emeli Sande "I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to scream till the words dry out!!!!!" Reality check, i am not me anymore. I am a shadow of misery with a mask of fun on. I dont even feel like fun. I wallow and despise, I despair, I am selfish, I am desperate. I am a sad shadow, an epic torture of combined proportions. I have so much I want to say but, although the internet is not the appropriate place to do it, i feel like i have lost my people skills that enable me to say it in person to the people i want to. We all grieve in different ways and my way of grieving is not acceptable to some people. ...

My brother died on a Thursday.  Thursday 26 May 2011.  I remember one night in January he was walking me home and said "Angie, I feel so old, Im 32 now!" I laughed at him and said he was old. He wasn't old, he never will be now. I looked at his coffin lid, "32 years old," and said to my mum "He'll be 32 forever now!'  I'm scared of being 32 next year myself. Maybe that year will pass in a blur.  I suppose everyone deals with this differently, thing is they don't give you a rulebook. I literally did not know what to do.  I still don't I guess. I remember desperately trying to get drunk to numb the grief, and it just didnt work. Downing pint after pint of fizzing lager, and boking through whisky chasers, even on an empty stomach did nothing for me.  I don't remember going to sleep that night, and i dont remmeber getting up but I do recall going into the living room and my mother phoning everyone.  I can't imagine how dif...