`SEEN AS SOLD
THIS IS A THE BEGINNINGS OF A SHORT STORY THAT I STARTED BACK IN 2008. IM REWRITING IT FROM AN OLD JOURNAL AND SORRY IF ITS CRAP BUT I HAVENT READ IT SINCE.
04/09/12 (Back from 31/03/08)
'What colour are your pants?' and "Have you ever kissed a woman?'
In the odd world of internet dating, these are the 'witty first emails of the single men of the world all trying to bag themselves a mate.
In what world exactly, i find myself wondering, do these lines impress any women?
Obviously some of them must work because the majority these 'charmers' and i use the term loosely, had been viewed over a thousand times each.
My profile sat at a measly 326 views, but to be fair, my photo was a safe one, all straight brown hair and a slight smirk.
THis internet dating lark is partly an experiment as a last ditch attempt to avoid watching any more episodes of The Simpsons on my own while eating copious amounts of Weightwatchers Chicken Curry.
So i joined this world of.......im not really sure what they are....desperados? Weirdos?Whatever they were, I was now the General of the ranks.
My blog said ,"Lisa, funny 26 year old with GSOH, looking to share pints of beer, and a footie game or two."
I thought that would be ok for a guy but all i got were the knicker wielding maniacs and the guys who only wanted women who wanted other women??? I never understood that one, men who wanted women who had no interest in the equipment they had to offer.
However online dating did have its perks! You could literally create your own man without every having to meet him. You can choose his height, his eye colour, brown,red of even speckled grey, like a wee sparrow. You can pick where they live, what they do for aliving or even how much they earn.
I spent many happy hours trawling the internet reading up on the male species, all the time, eating Thorntons Caramel Shortcake. (Ironic considering the Weightwatchers curry from earlier!!)
Ok ok so if i gave up the shortcakeI might actually get a proper date from a real live man in a pub but i cant or i won't. One of the other, either way, Im stuck behind this screen with a belly like an apron.
The cake's too good, and i can eat dropping crumbs down my cleavage in front of the monitor, and now worry about who sees me.
Anyway just because i put 'bubbly' as my description doenst mean im fat. Podgey, yes, cuddly, obviously, does my belly overlap my janes, maybe a little but does every guy want a size 8 glamour model? (Apparently so, judging by my empty inbox and that wasnt an innuendo!)
I prefer to browse their profiles rather than send any messages, as i feared rejection like most females, but on this chocolate filled stuffing session, i came across David's profile. It was odd because there was no photo with his profile but a long sweet funny message about how he was a lonely HGV driver who had a hidden fairground with a ferris wheel at his work.
Im assuming this fariground was fictional, and for my amusement and he wasnt actually crazy, but hey i thought it was funny.
So little Lisa, (Thats me, im Lisa in case you havent gathered that Sherlock) composes my first ever message.
Trying to think of something simple and amusing without coming across as a nutter in a first email to a complete stranger is not an easy task so i settled for 'Sorry im not blonde with extensions, and acrylic nails, boobs but hopefully ill be worthy of an email back!" You never know!!!
What do you know, I did get a reply. Several actually have pinged back and forward. He was quite funny at times and that partly made up for the lack of a photo, we arranged a date and dammit i really should have asked for a photo.
with myself, im not exactly the full shilling. So rather than inviting him for a drink like normal people, i tell him we will drive 90 miles to visit my brother in a hotel where he works. Who even does that??
so we arrange to meet up near a bandstand in Glasgow, and drive in my car.
I scan the crowd surrounding it and can only see one man who even remotely might be him. I desperately want to run but my feet are dragging me towards him.
OH GOD!!! I cant get away. He's smiling and waving at me, it IS HIM!! DAMMIT!
i should never have sent a picture first, why didnt i hide in a doorway and spy on him first before going over?
David rushed over and shakes me warmly with his clammy, sweaty hand, grinning at me with teeth so yellow they could butter a loaf of bread.
"so pleased to meet you, you're beautiful, just stunning, a vision."
Cheesy the old Cheddar would be turning in his grave.
I smile falsely, say as little as possible and lead him to my car.
All the time i want to run but i can't. I dont want to be mean. I keep grinning at him cheerfully over my shoulder. All the time im driving, his beady eyes are fixed on me, and when he tries to strike up a conversation, i turn the music up as loud as it will go so i cant hear him.
finally we come to a rest stop, i go to the toilet and while I'm in there, i get to thinking.................
04/09/12 (Back from 31/03/08)
'What colour are your pants?' and "Have you ever kissed a woman?'
In the odd world of internet dating, these are the 'witty first emails of the single men of the world all trying to bag themselves a mate.
In what world exactly, i find myself wondering, do these lines impress any women?
Obviously some of them must work because the majority these 'charmers' and i use the term loosely, had been viewed over a thousand times each.
My profile sat at a measly 326 views, but to be fair, my photo was a safe one, all straight brown hair and a slight smirk.
THis internet dating lark is partly an experiment as a last ditch attempt to avoid watching any more episodes of The Simpsons on my own while eating copious amounts of Weightwatchers Chicken Curry.
So i joined this world of.......im not really sure what they are....desperados? Weirdos?Whatever they were, I was now the General of the ranks.
My blog said ,"Lisa, funny 26 year old with GSOH, looking to share pints of beer, and a footie game or two."
I thought that would be ok for a guy but all i got were the knicker wielding maniacs and the guys who only wanted women who wanted other women??? I never understood that one, men who wanted women who had no interest in the equipment they had to offer.
However online dating did have its perks! You could literally create your own man without every having to meet him. You can choose his height, his eye colour, brown,red of even speckled grey, like a wee sparrow. You can pick where they live, what they do for aliving or even how much they earn.
I spent many happy hours trawling the internet reading up on the male species, all the time, eating Thorntons Caramel Shortcake. (Ironic considering the Weightwatchers curry from earlier!!)
Ok ok so if i gave up the shortcakeI might actually get a proper date from a real live man in a pub but i cant or i won't. One of the other, either way, Im stuck behind this screen with a belly like an apron.
The cake's too good, and i can eat dropping crumbs down my cleavage in front of the monitor, and now worry about who sees me.
Anyway just because i put 'bubbly' as my description doenst mean im fat. Podgey, yes, cuddly, obviously, does my belly overlap my janes, maybe a little but does every guy want a size 8 glamour model? (Apparently so, judging by my empty inbox and that wasnt an innuendo!)
I prefer to browse their profiles rather than send any messages, as i feared rejection like most females, but on this chocolate filled stuffing session, i came across David's profile. It was odd because there was no photo with his profile but a long sweet funny message about how he was a lonely HGV driver who had a hidden fairground with a ferris wheel at his work.
Im assuming this fariground was fictional, and for my amusement and he wasnt actually crazy, but hey i thought it was funny.
So little Lisa, (Thats me, im Lisa in case you havent gathered that Sherlock) composes my first ever message.
Trying to think of something simple and amusing without coming across as a nutter in a first email to a complete stranger is not an easy task so i settled for 'Sorry im not blonde with extensions, and acrylic nails, boobs but hopefully ill be worthy of an email back!" You never know!!!
What do you know, I did get a reply. Several actually have pinged back and forward. He was quite funny at times and that partly made up for the lack of a photo, we arranged a date and dammit i really should have asked for a photo.
with myself, im not exactly the full shilling. So rather than inviting him for a drink like normal people, i tell him we will drive 90 miles to visit my brother in a hotel where he works. Who even does that??
so we arrange to meet up near a bandstand in Glasgow, and drive in my car.
I scan the crowd surrounding it and can only see one man who even remotely might be him. I desperately want to run but my feet are dragging me towards him.
OH GOD!!! I cant get away. He's smiling and waving at me, it IS HIM!! DAMMIT!
i should never have sent a picture first, why didnt i hide in a doorway and spy on him first before going over?
David rushed over and shakes me warmly with his clammy, sweaty hand, grinning at me with teeth so yellow they could butter a loaf of bread.
"so pleased to meet you, you're beautiful, just stunning, a vision."
Cheesy the old Cheddar would be turning in his grave.
I smile falsely, say as little as possible and lead him to my car.
All the time i want to run but i can't. I dont want to be mean. I keep grinning at him cheerfully over my shoulder. All the time im driving, his beady eyes are fixed on me, and when he tries to strike up a conversation, i turn the music up as loud as it will go so i cant hear him.
finally we come to a rest stop, i go to the toilet and while I'm in there, i get to thinking.................
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