SAID ID BE IN A BETTER MOOD
..............BUT NAH IM NOT.
12/09/12
For the last few days, I can't stop thinking about Budsie. Its maybe because I feel so guilty because ive been busy and he hasnt been the forefront of my mind but my mind is clearing of the fog over the last few weeks and the grief is physically painful.
When is it going to get easier to breathe?
For a long time I felt stupid and the more time goes on, i feel like I should be moving on more and missing him less but that's not the way it goes.
THere isn't going to be a time when i miss you less, Budsie.
My memories are coming back to me, for a long time, some were blocked out as a coping mechanism but now with a vengeance they are forcing their way back in.
It's an agonising feeling.
Last night at the SCotland footie game I took Reisse too, it emphasised they void my brother has left with me. They played Loch Lomond loudly, and Caledonia at the end.
Loch lomond was played at his wedding, Caledonia at his funeral.
I have strong images in my head of him walking into a room, large as life, and hearing his voice.
Im terrified ill forget his voice.
I couldnt bear it.
THat thought that somehow he will be a thing of the past for me is as painful as him not being here at all.
I miss you!
It is like a lead weight in your stomach and i dont know if its tiredness but I have been very tearful lately and when im teary, it just forces up the loneliness part again.
He was (it took me months and months to be able to say 'was' in reference to Budsie). such a huge part that its easy to think he's living away until you remember and its like being punched in the gut.
Sorry ill try and chirp it up for the next post.
I guess as a mother, guilt is part of the package. You feel constantly guilty for working, for not working, etc.
this situation is no different. I feel guilty for being here when you aren't.
I miss you. These songs are for you x
this is the best version
12/09/12
For the last few days, I can't stop thinking about Budsie. Its maybe because I feel so guilty because ive been busy and he hasnt been the forefront of my mind but my mind is clearing of the fog over the last few weeks and the grief is physically painful.
When is it going to get easier to breathe?
For a long time I felt stupid and the more time goes on, i feel like I should be moving on more and missing him less but that's not the way it goes.
THere isn't going to be a time when i miss you less, Budsie.
My memories are coming back to me, for a long time, some were blocked out as a coping mechanism but now with a vengeance they are forcing their way back in.
It's an agonising feeling.
Last night at the SCotland footie game I took Reisse too, it emphasised they void my brother has left with me. They played Loch Lomond loudly, and Caledonia at the end.
Loch lomond was played at his wedding, Caledonia at his funeral.
I have strong images in my head of him walking into a room, large as life, and hearing his voice.
Im terrified ill forget his voice.
I couldnt bear it.
THat thought that somehow he will be a thing of the past for me is as painful as him not being here at all.
I miss you!
It is like a lead weight in your stomach and i dont know if its tiredness but I have been very tearful lately and when im teary, it just forces up the loneliness part again.
He was (it took me months and months to be able to say 'was' in reference to Budsie). such a huge part that its easy to think he's living away until you remember and its like being punched in the gut.
Sorry ill try and chirp it up for the next post.
I guess as a mother, guilt is part of the package. You feel constantly guilty for working, for not working, etc.
this situation is no different. I feel guilty for being here when you aren't.
I miss you. These songs are for you x
this is the best version
Comments
Post a Comment