GETTING BACK TO ME!!!

25/12/12  01:02 went to go to sleep after putting out reisse's presents and just sat on the couch looking at them.  I had a little cry for you, im not ashamed to admit. The missing you is agony.  WHy did you have to go?  Christmas Eve was our time when we were little. Mum and dad would always let us open each others presents to each other and that was the only one we were allowed to open.  I snuk into your cupboard a few times to peek at what you had bought me. Once you had bought me a ring binder with dolphins on it, when i was 12 and some used pencils haha.  You were angry cos i peeked, but gave me a chinese burn and smiled at my tears,  I wish my tears for you now were becuase you had hurt my arm. But they are for a much more painful reason.  Its so .......i dont even have a word just now Christmas without you is painful, in fact every day without you hurts.  Its only ok when you are not in my head, but one look at a ph...

12/12/12 Some say the world was supposed to end today. Some say its the 21st of December.  Some say it was last year, or the year 2000, etc etc etc.  Truth is, does it matter when its' going to end. It ends when it ends. Thats all.  Hope I'm not here to see it, and i hope no one else i love is either.  The world is full of superstition and people worry about things that havent happened and arent going to.  Whatever happens happens.  My life's been on hold for years, and everyone moves on. But i stand still like a static figure in Times Square.  There are things to look forward to but you have to create them first for yourselves.  I wish i could take my own advice. Coming up the Christmas, another Christmas without Budsie.  Coping is forgetting.  Some times its the only way i can get through a day is to put it out my mind.  I feel i have moved on a lot from when i started this blog though.  This time last y...

21//11/12  On a note that life does indeed go on, thought i would inject a little needed humour into a dark and gloomy blog as anyone that does know, knows there's a hearty laugh going on behind the misery, or should that be in front of the misery.  I cannot spend life grieving for death, i have to breathe and have decided that i want to breathe inside a body that isn't so filled with flab.  For that reason, I joined Weightwatchers for the second time. I was going last year just before Budsie went and lost a fair bit but he went and it fucked it up haha  He fucked everything up, selfish twat.  So i waddled in through the double doors, (you have to go in through the double ones, Jo says, single ones don;'t fit. The more weight you lose the less doors you can go through). Its like a weight labyrinth  So i sit down, start chatting to old Mary beside me and jolly along, almost accepting tea from the withered hand stretching out towards. I look up,...

21/11/12 NO tea and sympathy for you, empathy for everyone else.  Spent the evening with my dad, wonderful man that he is, chatting, tea drinking and as i left he says "We'll never get over Budsie will we?" I shook my head and said "No, but life goes on. For us anyway."  God Bless Budsie.  I feel so sad tonight, melancholy and reflective.  I put my arms around my dad, he's nearly 70, he loves me. Of course he does, I hear you say.  Sometimes they used to tell me that they loved us more than biological parents because we were chosen. PLucked like Orphan Annie, to be loved.  It takes a special someone to do that for children that are not theirs.  They never once made us feel like we didn't belong, not for a second. 

14/11/12 Ever see that film Yes Man?  Jim Carrey is challenged to say Yes to everything because he was so miserable and never said yes to anything.  Maybe i should do that.  For so long I have missed out on everything.  I think as ive said before theres a lot i have forgotten since Budsie went. Whole weeks and maybe months went past when i honestly couldnt tell you. Fragments maybe but certainly not full minutes or hours.  I was in a happy place before his death tore us apart. Reisse and i had our little bubble, I was at Weightwatchers and doing not bad with that, we had money, and reisse said "Our lives happy just now isnt' it?" CALM BEFORE THE STORM, SPOKE TOO SOON.  Maybe im trying to capiture that happiness again, by recreating the exact scene except you cant because the vital part is gone, my heart, my brother.  He would probably be mortified me writing about him like this, but sometimes its easier to write about him in the biblica...

14/11/12 You know i started tonights post, its almost midnight with a positive intention, to be back to the happy go lucky, average self i used to be and to say "Yeah ive turned a corner, im going to be happy from now on!!"  Much easier said than done, the guilt is overwhelming the minute i clicked onto this page. Guilt is a part of my life no matter whats going on in it, whether its as a mother, as a friend, as an employee, its in my nature to feel bad.   Its  not easy to just say i wont be like that anymore.  I am coming to a realisation though that you are gone!!!!! YOU ARE GONE!!!!!! You're not coming back are you Budsie?  THats phrased as a question although of course i know the answer, its a rhetorical one. I know ill never hear your voice again unless its coming from a torrid and inanimate iphone screen. I WANT to be better, happier, more like myself and to be the person i want to be.  To do that, as heart wrenching as it seems, ...

09/11/12 LIfe ticks along, its almost christmas again, and another one without you. I phoned Tmobile today to cancel your phone contract and kept getting cut off, after over an hour on hold , i got this woman who asked why I wanted to cancel and kept trying to get me to upgrade to a better phone and just said "Yeah cos Scott's died. !' She must have been like, who the hell is Scott, and why don't you want an upgrade.  Its so hard telling people you're, you know, that word. Mum had a woman on the phone about a month after you left and obviously didn't know about you, so she had to interupt and say "we've had a tragedy' Yeah we are THAT family now. The ones in the magazines who lose someone and you just don't prepare yourself. See when you're with someone every day, You know how i love photos  and videos, I wish i had more videos of my brother. I just want to hear  his voice again. I only have a couple and watch the...

29/10/12 HAD A lot of bad days lately mixed in with good ones, lowest one in a while was last Thursday.  My sister in Law has taken off to New zealand for a while to live a little. Quit her job and off on an adventure. She doesn't think i was pleased about it but despite my protestations, nothing could be further from the truth.  Im so pleased for her, that she has the strength to do this. Its something I would have done had i not had a son. Better than staying here and having to cope and drag yourself miserably through each day, might as well do it somewhere beautiful you've always wanted to go.  They had planned to go to New Zealand together, but it always was too expensive and they never made it. She is taking the last of his ashes over and I think there's a hill named after our town so they will go there.  My dad said yesterday "Poor Budsie, he always seemed to work so hard and never had any money to his name. " Thats true, i suppose, Him and I always ...

13/10/12 been thinking a lot this week about my brother and things are falling apart around me.  I thought i was getting better there for a while, not thinking every single second about him and not crying every day but then i realised that the only reason that i wasnt was because i wasnt letting myself.  Its too painful  No rule book exists for this kind of thing. Because you never think it will happen to you. Not just death of someone close to you but anything bad.  Yeah you can read about it in Take a Break and think "thats a shame" but its sympathy mixed with relief because its something you will never have to deal with.  Thats the way i felt, and it is easy to put the person who died on a pedestal because they're gone but remembering the times when they did your head in is essential because thats what shaped the relationship you had.  My brother wasn't perfect. He lied a lot. But it was funny and stupid lies mostly.  We went on a crui...

13/10/12 You are just treading water. I have a day off and am doing nothing, absolutely nothing  Truth is i can';t think of anything i want to do. I feel worried and anxious about things.  and envious.  thats a lot of 'ious' words there haha. My life feels so much different to the way things used to be. I was married.....for life i thought. but looking back over those old diaries, it was full of defeatism. Like i just expected this to be it even though it wasnt a happy relationship. I just thought that when you got married it was going to be forever. But it has to be the right marriage and the right relationship doesnt it.  Whats the point of staying there because its expected.  Gone are the days when in the fifties, you got married, raised the kids and that was it  In a way im grateful for my failed marriage because it makes me who i am today.  Everything in your life shapes who you become. i wish i could be someone better, someon...

07/09/2012 See the thing i hate most about when you're single is you kinda turn into a psycho. You want to talk about him all the time, phone him all the time and text constantly, talk about him with your friends, if you meet someone you're interested in.  Problem is, guys see this as psycho behaviour.  Maybe it is. In fact, yeah it probably is a bit.  The fact is that arrrgh, i cant be too honest about stuff like this because any boys reading this will see into our secrets as women, and any women reading it will say, 'im not like that!!!!' its easier to not have any interest in anyone as then you won't be sittin by the phone with sweat of desperation dripping down your forehead while you wait for them to call when they're probably sitting at home on their x box with one of those stupid headseats on, swearing at foreign strangers. People play games.  I hate that. I think if you like someone you should just say, 'your face is alright. `i like your...

07/10/12 Time's going on.....and on.....and on.  When people go, do they vanish? that's a whole big story. I have thoughts and beliefs but im also easily swayed by other people.  My life is a mess just now. No better than it has been the last few months and plunging into waiting for something to happen.  I want something good for me to happen, but if it ever came, i would push it away because my guilt would make me feel bad for accepting it. it's hard, isnt it? Without turning this in to a 'woe is me' post, life is hard for the most part.  Oh man, im actually watching The Only Way is essex just now and i honestly feel like i lose brain cells every time it comes on but i still watch it. WHHYYYYYY???? One guy just said "Your eyes are so big they're like conkers on your face!!!' WTF?? Met this guy the other day and i'll be honest, can't be too honest, in case he reads this, chances are he won't but then if he does, it ...

30/09/2012 Yo back up now and give a brother room. Mercy mercy mercy me, my life is a cage but on stage im free.  This weekend, in fact this whole last week in general has been a minefield and has tested my strength to the limit.  I dont think i have any left.  Ive seen fights, actually fights is a loose term. One fight was so awful, i thought the guy was a goner.  It reiterates to me what we, as a race, do to each other. Life is cheap to far too many people and that in a way is desperately sad.  I cant go into too much detail and im sorry for the vagueness but those who know me would understand.  I am thinking a lot about Budsie in the past few weeks and how much I miss him.  IN a fight like that, where it was not possible for me not to be involved, and had to help break it up, people i care about got hurt, in a pub, and where usually I have seen so many fights and they affect you but you dont let it get to you, i couldnt stand it on fr...

ITS AN IDEA TO KEEP What was written immortalised on my blog. What happens if mark zuckerberg decides he wants to keep Facebook for himself and we're not allowed it anymore.  A collection of statuses  Bit weird that these are only from the last month. Im on facebook waaaaaaaay too much  i like the way in Dragons Den, the dragons say "Hi Im Deborah" or "HI im Peter," like they're not so arrogant they assume everyone will know who they are. Great so spend all day thinking "these plimsole shoe things feel massive". Yeah I'm a size 5, Reisse is an 11. So why am I wearing his shoes by mistake? Reminds me of the time my pants were on back to front Wouldn't like to be a cow..... Like the bovine animal kind. Not a literal cow. Don't they not have knees. Getting down stairs would be a nightmare, and when people like Chad Hogan do that cow tipping thing in America then the cows can't get up again, don't they just think "FF...