LIFE IS........LIFE WAS.........

09/11/12

LIfe ticks along, its almost christmas again, and another one without you.

I phoned Tmobile today to cancel your phone contract and kept getting cut off, after over an hour on hold , i got this woman who asked why I wanted to cancel and kept trying to get me to upgrade to a better phone and just said "Yeah cos Scott's died. !'

She must have been like, who the hell is Scott, and why don't you want an upgrade. 

Its so hard telling people you're, you know, that word.

Mum had a woman on the phone about a month after you left and obviously didn't know about you, so she had to interupt and say "we've had a tragedy'

Yeah we are THAT family now. The ones in the magazines who lose someone and you just don't prepare yourself.

See when you're with someone every day, You know how i love photos 

and videos, I wish i had more videos of my brother. I just want to hear 

his voice again. I only have a couple and watch them over and over. I 

think when you're with someone every day, you just take for granted 

they will always be there, so you maybe don't take videos cos you'll 

see them tomorrow. so you take them of people you don't see often

The thing is......What if you don't see them tomorrow?

Im not emotionally ready for anything. Someone said to me the other day, 'I dont think you even want a boyfriend; " Too true.

I went on a date the other week and all i could talk about was you, and i ended up crying. 

He must have thought i was a crackpot. 

The thing I'm finding hard is the further and further we are getting from when you left, the harder it is to explain my grief. 

Its ok when you say "yeah i lost my brother a few weeks ago" but now its been almost 18 months, people must think, god get over it already. 

So i try and talk about you less and less, but that means its being bottled up and im going to explode so eventually when someone does ask, or i start to talk about you, it comes out like an emotional volcano. 

IM a stupid black and white version of myself. 

That guy the other night said i was TEARS OF A CLOWN. 

Bet he told his mates he went on a date with a psycho. You would think that was funny Budsie. 

I miss you.