MY HEART STILL BEATS
14/11/12
You know i started tonights post, its almost midnight with a positive intention, to be back to the happy go lucky, average self i used to be and to say "Yeah ive turned a corner, im going to be happy from now on!!"
Much easier said than done, the guilt is overwhelming the minute i clicked onto this page.
Guilt is a part of my life no matter whats going on in it, whether its as a mother, as a friend, as an employee, its in my nature to feel bad.
Its not easy to just say i wont be like that anymore.
I am coming to a realisation though that you are gone!!!!!
YOU ARE GONE!!!!!!
You're not coming back are you Budsie?
THats phrased as a question although of course i know the answer, its a rhetorical one.
I know ill never hear your voice again unless its coming from a torrid and inanimate iphone screen.
I WANT to be better, happier, more like myself and to be the person i want to be.
To do that, as heart wrenching as it seems, i have to get to grips with the idea that my life didn't end when yours did.
THAt bit just made me cry.
I sit with your ashes by my bed, and my heart still beats.
My breath still escapes my body, my hair and nails still grow and my eyes still shed the tears they are so used to in recent months.
I am alive and i am lucky.
I grasp the concept that we will be together again some day, and while i look forward to it, I can;t wish my life away waiting for that day.
I'll never get over losing you though, i could go over and over it torturing myself,, looking for you and waiting for you, but the truth is, I can't.
I am exhausted, physically and mentally.
To go to sleep, with the thought that I will wake up and you will still be gone, is so hard.
You know i started tonights post, its almost midnight with a positive intention, to be back to the happy go lucky, average self i used to be and to say "Yeah ive turned a corner, im going to be happy from now on!!"
Much easier said than done, the guilt is overwhelming the minute i clicked onto this page.
Guilt is a part of my life no matter whats going on in it, whether its as a mother, as a friend, as an employee, its in my nature to feel bad.
Its not easy to just say i wont be like that anymore.
I am coming to a realisation though that you are gone!!!!!
YOU ARE GONE!!!!!!
You're not coming back are you Budsie?
THats phrased as a question although of course i know the answer, its a rhetorical one.
I know ill never hear your voice again unless its coming from a torrid and inanimate iphone screen.
I WANT to be better, happier, more like myself and to be the person i want to be.
To do that, as heart wrenching as it seems, i have to get to grips with the idea that my life didn't end when yours did.
THAt bit just made me cry.
I sit with your ashes by my bed, and my heart still beats.
My breath still escapes my body, my hair and nails still grow and my eyes still shed the tears they are so used to in recent months.
I am alive and i am lucky.
I grasp the concept that we will be together again some day, and while i look forward to it, I can;t wish my life away waiting for that day.
I'll never get over losing you though, i could go over and over it torturing myself,, looking for you and waiting for you, but the truth is, I can't.
I am exhausted, physically and mentally.
To go to sleep, with the thought that I will wake up and you will still be gone, is so hard.
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