BRINGING YOU HOME

29/10/12

HAD A lot of bad days lately mixed in with good ones, lowest one in a while was last Thursday. 
My sister in Law has taken off to New zealand for a while to live a little. Quit her job and off on an adventure. She doesn't think i was pleased about it but despite my protestations, nothing could be further from the truth. 
Im so pleased for her, that she has the strength to do this. Its something I would have done had i not had a son. Better than staying here and having to cope and drag yourself miserably through each day, might as well do it somewhere beautiful you've always wanted to go. 

They had planned to go to New Zealand together, but it always was too expensive and they never made it. She is taking the last of his ashes over and I think there's a hill named after our town so they will go there. 

My dad said yesterday "Poor Budsie, he always seemed to work so hard and never had any money to his name. " Thats true, i suppose, Him and I always were grafters, but he's never had anything. 
Looking bad though, laterally he had love with Mel and thats' more important. 

WEnt up to see her and say goodbye the other night and maybe its something ive been dreading. We have been so distant with each other, off with each other even, and i know thats down to our grief. Both of us lost the most important person in our lives and we couldn't deal with it. I was 29, she was 27. Agony. 

I tried to be there for her because i know my brother would want it, but also cos i loved her too like a sister. Now she is away to New Zealand, that era has gone now too. 

She gave me his ashes which now sit beside my bed in a little box that He and I bought together on holiday in Majorca and i say goodnight to him, every night. 

I also wanted his jumper the one hes wearing in the photo below because every time i picture him in my head lately, he is wearing that jumper. 

Wrapped in that jumper, clutching his ashes last week was the worst night for a while. 

It felt like another funeral. 

but in a way, it felt like i was bringing him home. 

When i walked through my parents door the other night with those in my hand, i crumbled. It just wasn't how I ever imagined we would ever end up. 

So we all end up as dust? In a little box? 

It makes me cry even writing about it just now. 

Maybe its time to get happy. Its hard but i have to remind myself that im not the one who died.

I'm the one who has time left, but for a long time i didnt want it. I just couldnt wait to see him again, still can't but im starting to realise that's there's no point wishing it away. Its not what he would want. 

But dragging yourself out of feeling like that as well isnt easy.

Its so hard trying to be happy when someone you have spent your whole life adoring has disappeared and now you have their dust by your bed. Maybe thats not a nice image, im sorry but i feel a little better for having it, as if i have him back with me. 

I know not a lot of people believe in stuff like paranormal but i do and in a way it gives me comfort because i don't think of this as the end, i know i will see him again and he will love me in eternity as he did here. 

In the film Ghost, at the end, Patrick Swayze says that the love you hold in your life, you take it with you when you go. Do they watch over us, biding their time until we all get to be together? 

Its an idealistic view but one that has helped me keep my sanity, (MAYBE????)

A lot of strange things have been happening lately too, the same as they did last July and whether anyone believes it or now, im not really that bothered to be honest. haha

First one is that Reisse and i went to Newcastle last week to stay with my friend for the week and while we were away, obviously the house was empty,

I have a house phone which is never used. I only have it for the broadband. In fact, the actual handset is locked away in the cupboard in bits, i don't  think it even works. 

Anyway I got my phone bill in from BT at the weekend and it was slightly higher than it usually is. Only by about £0.40 but i noticed because its always exactly the same amount due to there being no phone calls made. 

When ive checked the bill, there was a call made to the talking clock on the thursday at half 12 that we were away on. BT can't explain it, as they know the phone line is never used, no one else has access to my house let alone know where the phone is. So they refunded 40p haha. 

the next thing is that i have 3 sets of photo frames in the bathroom above the bath that have been in the same position for 7 years since we moved in. You cant move them without standing in the bath. THe other day the middle one was at the end and the end one was in the middle. Reisse knew nothing about this. 

When we were in Newcastle Rhiannon and I bought the Amityville Horror on DVD and watched it at night. I said i hadnt seen it for 7 years when i had gone to the pictures to see it on my own at midnight. While it was on, Reisse knocked one of Rhiannons baby's toys over and it started playing "You are my sunshine' which was the song i sang at Budsie's funeral. 

When Reisse and i got home, i asked him to help me move all my furniture around my bedroom for a change. The first chest of drawers we moved, that cinema ticket for THe Amityville horror was underneath and they hadnt been moved since we moved in.

Had a dream about Budsie on Thursday night after that when he was standing at my bedroom door telling me he had been trying to email me but i wasn't online.

Im not that bothered whether people believe in the kind of things ive mentioned. That's for me, but I do believe it.