GETTING BACK TO ME!!!

30/09/2012 Yo back up now and give a brother room. Mercy mercy mercy me, my life is a cage but on stage im free.  This weekend, in fact this whole last week in general has been a minefield and has tested my strength to the limit.  I dont think i have any left.  Ive seen fights, actually fights is a loose term. One fight was so awful, i thought the guy was a goner.  It reiterates to me what we, as a race, do to each other. Life is cheap to far too many people and that in a way is desperately sad.  I cant go into too much detail and im sorry for the vagueness but those who know me would understand.  I am thinking a lot about Budsie in the past few weeks and how much I miss him.  IN a fight like that, where it was not possible for me not to be involved, and had to help break it up, people i care about got hurt, in a pub, and where usually I have seen so many fights and they affect you but you dont let it get to you, i couldnt stand it on fr...

ITS AN IDEA TO KEEP What was written immortalised on my blog. What happens if mark zuckerberg decides he wants to keep Facebook for himself and we're not allowed it anymore.  A collection of statuses  Bit weird that these are only from the last month. Im on facebook waaaaaaaay too much  i like the way in Dragons Den, the dragons say "Hi Im Deborah" or "HI im Peter," like they're not so arrogant they assume everyone will know who they are. Great so spend all day thinking "these plimsole shoe things feel massive". Yeah I'm a size 5, Reisse is an 11. So why am I wearing his shoes by mistake? Reminds me of the time my pants were on back to front Wouldn't like to be a cow..... Like the bovine animal kind. Not a literal cow. Don't they not have knees. Getting down stairs would be a nightmare, and when people like Chad Hogan do that cow tipping thing in America then the cows can't get up again, don't they just think "FF...

20/09/12 I think its been about 6 weeks ive been writing this blog, couldnt tell you without looking and to look would mean id have to navigate away from this page and start again, so im just guessing.  Is it helping? It helps at the time of writing it, but when i write something new and post it, i go back and read the old stuff and im back to where i was, devastated.  I think the way ive been stumbling through things is kidding on Budsie is still here, like I just havent spoken to him for a while.  Cliche after cliche gets chucked at me when i talk about him, so i dont tend to bring him up as much as i did.  1) times a healer Actually there could have been a list there but thats the main one that gets brought up all the time.  Maybe its true, maybe you do learn to deal with it but i cant deal with it, not as long as its a reality.  My shitty reality.  Reisse said to me in March last year, 2 months before scott went, "I really like our ...

20/09/12 Home alone, like Macaulay Culkin.  Reisse is staying with his friend so Darcy's staring at me waiting for me to do something entertaining.  Nothing's springing to mind. Feel like misbehaving on my own, in my own house. IM 31!!!!!! So yeah i made nachos, jalapenos and salsa covered with cheese and ate them watching Bridesmaids.  Closest thing ill get to happiness tonight haha. Doesnt take much to please me.  Reading last years journals are still painful but there's funny moments in there from the wonderful Reisse too. He got my through it, and was why i got up in the morning. So here's some more.  01/07/11 I said to him I loved him more than anything, he says "Thank God, so i finally bypassed Marilyn Monroe and diet Coke!" 01/07/11 He was reading Michael Mcintyre's autobiography and said "Holy mama, How did his hot mother produce such a chubby Chinese kid?" THIS ONE IS A BELTER; ABSOLUTELY ONE OF THE FUNNIEST Reisse a...

12/09/12 Stand still while everyone else moves.  People all around me are moving on, marriage, babies, i am still standing here.  Its like the movies in New York when the pop star is standing in the middle of Times Square and everything is fast paced around  but you're just dizzy like a blur.  I feel like i have lost so much time, both with grief and maybe just with wasting time.  Theres a lot of things I dont remember from last year, like we went on Holiday to Turkey from Newcastle and i dont remember driving to Newcastle, or getting to turkey.  I remember being there but not actually getting there. I WISH WE hadnt gone, was such a waste of money.  THis is a picture of me from Turkey last year, dont really remember it being taken.  Its strange how it does that to you, just blocks out stuff.  Even now, im 31, I dont know how i got to this age.  Reisse's dad is going to become a father for the second time ...

12/09/12 For every bruise you left on my skin,  fights both joking and real,  I miss you for the photos when i see your face and know every line on it by heart I miss you For the times when the sarcasm  had fits of laughter flowing I miss you For everyone you repelled who would try and hurt me i miss you For every second You no longer breathe and every minute im alone I miss you,  Mostly for the happiness and ending for the tears I miss you I just miss you