GETTING BACK TO ME!!!

Conventional Life I don’t understand why some people react the way they do.  Sometimes I’m upset because of something someone’s done to me and then I don’t understand why  they get angry with me : Am I irrational, the way some people make me feel is crazy.  Am I crazy?  I feel that people get impatient with me and think I’m stupid I’m not stupid, I’m emotional and I think there’s a massive difference In that.  I feel that I’m little. I’m nothing. I don’t matter.  That if I’m upset it’s just “Ach don’t worry it’s only angela!” Angela doesn’t matter eh? I cry writing this because I want to matter.  I feel I’ll look stupid on my wedding day, that people will think “what’s she wearing” I’m tired!  So tired!  Sometimes I don’t feel like that I have many friends left but the ones I had were drinking buddies that I didn’t like anyway but I was stuck in a bubble I Couldn’t pop!  Im putting this...

It’s uncomfortable to watch someone else in pain isn’t it!  When someone asks “hey how are you?”  What you want them to say is “I’m fine, how are you! “ You don’t want them to tell you that they have impossible hurt inside them that they don’t know how to heal.  They don’t want people to post lovehearts on their status, or a wee like.  They want human contact; a cuddle maybe so they can cry until they feel they don’t need to cry anymore. Someone to pop by without being asked because they can sense that you need it.  The way of the world is the shy away from truth and honesty.  The next time you want to say to someone “how are you? “ Ask them because you really want to know how they are.  Maybe if we did there would be less of the heartache we keep hearing about everywhere. 

"Sorry to hear your news, are you ok?" I don't wanna talk about it. I don't say that because I don't want to talk about my wonderful dad but I can't verbally express the pain without it being one mad ball of distress. I feel like I've been ok in the two weeks since dad passed away. Maybe I've been too ok because I had a phone call from someone dear to me today and I couldn't stop crying. I said to mum last week that I felt like I was taking dads passing a lot easier than Scott's and she said it's maybe because we had known dad was ill whereas Scott's death was abrupt and shocking. And that's where my guilt sets in:  why was one persons passing less distressing than another's. I was so completely in love with my dad and my brother that the fact I don't have the protectors is destroying me. I'm lost!! "I never dreamed you'd leave in summer!" - Michael jackson Why am I taking this so well? Why...

Here I am again. I had long since abandoned this blog because it got me through the death of my brother without the. Use of counselling. I haven't ever read it again, too painful but it got me on the sleepless nights when I had nightmares. So now I'm back here to Reprise my pain because I'm bereaved again. My father passed away 6 days ago. My dad. My wonderful auld Boab. My selfish grief stays with me and I can't see like I'm trying to. I know I will get through the hazy days because I've done it before. The heart is so strong and human courage does prevail to get you through situations you thought you could never ever cope with. You just cope! You struggle, and agonise and tear yourself apart to the point where you can't stand the thought of getting up in the morning. You get up, you breathe even though the one you adore doesn't anymore. My family isn't that big. It's dwindling down to nothing and I feel a huge amount of pressur...

04/01/16 WEIRD writing the 16 for the first time. Ever feel how did you get to this point in your life? im 34. 34!!! When i was 15,  that was impossibly old. Old bastards, you can sit at the adult table at Christmas. Mind you a lot of my friends are still in their twenties, and this guy i know always says to me, "why you hanging about with people so much younger than you/" I think after a certain age why does it matter how old you are? If you like someone you like them. You can't say "keep your personality for another ten years and then i'll hang about with you then.' You'll be older then yourself anyway. I dont feel any older apart from the wee crows feet around my eyes that are starting to spread like Birds of prey feet. 'DO NOT REGRET GROWING OLD. ITS A PRIVILEGE DENIED TO MANY!" How true! New years resolutions don't last do they really? You can say you're going to do this, save this, lose this, be that. End of the day,...

So usually as a fat person I get a footlong subway with pepperoni, salami cheese and mayo on a cheese bread.  This stuff will stop your heart.  So changed days for Angie I got ham, turkey on brown bread with salad. I wanted to punch myself in the face! Went to spin class last night and did some sit ups. Can't wait till im thin.  At the moment doing them I look like an upturned beetle. My mum said she can't notice a difference.  So did my dad which is some achievement cos he sometimes rugby tackles me if I try to have w kit Kat. So far so good until the usual Friday mess I'm gonna become my midnight. I'm lambrini Cinderella 

Malin Bjork  It's been 6 weeks since I decided to lose some weight cos my bmi was 41. I've now lost 19 pounds and it's down to just under 39. I hate the way I look. I've been doing up to 5 spin classes a week and have become one of those people who like going to exercise. Who is this person? Haven't given up the alcohol tho. Still like getting smashed on lambrini. Above is a picture on 1 September and then on 10 October to gage the difference.  I have included pictures of me a in bridesmaid dress which was really tight on 1 August to last night  01/0815 I am watching YouTube videos of this woman called Malin Bjork who makes some fitness videos and trying out this. Her ass is amazing. My ass is no bad to sit on but terrible to look at. To be fair it's my belly that's the main problem. I don't want it to touch the ground when I plank!!!😂😂👌🏻👌🏻 My main problem Was making excuses about not having time etc to exercise but I've prioritised. This is im...