MILAN ON MY OWN - END OF THE BEGINNING

 What you doing right now? Im looking out the window at some clouds, flying above the clouds and contemplating the difference of the last weeks. 

On my way to my first solo trip to MILAN, ive always wanted to go to Italy, Lockdown happened, heartbreak happened but here I am now. Im happening. 

NO arguments, no fighting, but an aching in my eyes that tell me at the age of 40 im going on solo trips. I saw couples excitedly arm in arm waiting to go own their trip so they can lovingly link up together. 

Please dont misunderstand me, my rose tinted glasses are on at the moment and I need so smash them. They don’t belong on my face anymore but neither does disdain and hurt. 

This is just another step in getting back to who I was. I always wanted to travel when I was younger, cruise ship cabarets, seven wonders of the world. They are mind for the taking. 

I have been well travelled most of my life and in the latter months of the miserable marriage, he would tell me he was avoiding me to the extent I couldn’t even get him too go to the local restaurant with me let alone Italy. 

I realised pretty quickly that if my quality of life was going to stay at a level I could bear, I was going to have to do things on my own. Sad as that is when you’re married, still having to do things alone kind of defeats the purpose of your wedding vows doesn’t it. 

Im crying writing this and disguising with a face mask. No one knows me so I can reinvent myself to be who I want. I might invent an elaborate plan, im a businesswoman who has won the lottery and travels looking for new business opportunities. 

Or I am an undercover food critic. Get myself some free gelato. 

I am excited to be doing this trip dont get me wrong but lately ive been full of regrets for my life. At the airport I saw a family with 2 young kids and the mum and dad were holding hands, while the kids sat on their personalised suitcases. I had reisse for the most part of my life on my own and then when I met Chris they didn’t get on. My family and his are and have always been separate, 

We never had the life together that I thought we would have in the beginning. The Chris I met in the beginning ended up to be a complete different entity. Like I would never have recognised him from the obsessed gentleman who asked me to marry him every week to someone who ‘tolerates’ me and gives his attention away to those that don’t love him. 

I have grown less fond of him in the past few weeks and that dawns the realisation that I was in love with a past dream. I would never have been in love with who he became. I wouldn’t even have entertained a second date,. Its a mystery and I still can’t pinpoint the day when it all changed. Maybe there wasn’t a day. It must have been gradual for it to start dawning on me that the eggshells I walked on crunched deafeningly. I became a fool and I remember a day that I said “ please give me a list of things im allowed to say without an eye roll or a ‘fucks sake’ under my breath. 

I thought my life was over a few weeks genuinely with out the drama, I couldn’t see what I was going to do next. I wanted to sleep for days, I cried whenever anyone spoke to me. I was lost, utterly lost. 

However I have been lost before……twice. 

Auld Boab and Budsie. A different type of heartbreak and a lot worse than this one and I got through those. 

But what I hate is everyone saying “You’ve been through worse, you’ll get through this.”

I dont want to get through this. I took my wedding vows for my life and I meant them. My first wedding was foolish and I wanted to be a family for Reisse but the one with Chris was my ultimate.
I saw myself with him for life or I wouldn’t have done it. 

He said the same with me but he can’t help himself. He can blame his change of behaviour on his head injury if he wants but at the end of the day he’s done it before to two women in identical circumstances that he suddenly didn’t love them anymore and fucked off as some sort of  sick justification for being able to do what he wants. 

Doesn’t really work that way and he has had no consequences for what he’s done to anyone. He just sails around getting new build houses and pay rises and we need to pick up his shit. 

Im getting angrier as im writing this because this isn’t what this entry is meant to be about. 

Im ON A PLANE TO MILAN BY MYSELF. 

Its like im living in a movie.