I never dreamed you'd leave in summer

"Sorry to hear your news, are you ok?"

I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't say that because I don't want to talk about my wonderful dad but I can't verbally express the pain without it being one mad ball of distress.

I feel like I've been ok in the two weeks since dad passed away. Maybe I've been too ok because I had a phone call from someone dear to me today and I couldn't stop crying.

I said to mum last week that I felt like I was taking dads passing a lot easier than Scott's and she said it's maybe because we had known dad was ill whereas Scott's death was abrupt and shocking.

And that's where my guilt sets in:  why was one persons passing less distressing than another's.

I was so completely in love with my dad and my brother that the fact I don't have the protectors is destroying me.
I'm lost!!

"I never dreamed you'd leave in summer!" - Michael jackson

Why am I taking this so well?
Why was I not crying every minute? Well I'm crying now. And it won't stop.

I'm blocking out the part where he was ill and taking him back in my minds eye to where my dad impossibly lovely. The fact of a packed church for his funeral shows I wasn't the only one who thought that.

Soundtrack to my life now just seems to be that i wallow in a fantasy world where the fakeness is easier to bear than my sad reality.
The reality that my family was small and is getting smaller by the day. People tell me I'm strong.

How strong can you carry on to be?
How many more losses can you bear before your back breaks?
Before your heart rips?

i feel like I look fine: do I? Do I look fine to you? Some people say yes.

The darkness inside isn't fine though. It's a broken soul.

The person portrayed on this page isn't the person you'll meet in real life.
The flesh me has a smile and a hug ....... and a broken heart.

God I miss my dad. I
Miss my brother . I
Miss what my family was and what it will be now.


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