Conventional Life

Conventional Life

I don’t understand why some people react the way they do. 

Sometimes I’m upset because of something someone’s done to me and then I don’t understand why  they get angry with me :

Am I irrational, the way some people make me feel is crazy. 
Am I crazy? 
I feel that people get impatient with me and think I’m stupid

I’m not stupid, I’m emotional and I think there’s a massive difference In that. 

I feel that I’m little. I’m nothing. I don’t matter. 
That if I’m upset it’s just “Ach don’t worry it’s only angela!”

Angela doesn’t matter eh? I cry writing this because I want to matter. 

I feel I’ll look stupid on my wedding day, that people will think “what’s she wearing”

I’m tired! 
So tired! 

Sometimes I don’t feel like that I have many friends left but the ones I had were drinking buddies that I didn’t like anyway but I was stuck in a bubble I Couldn’t pop! 

Im putting this on my phone because if I put it on Facebook chris will ask what I’m saying all this for. And I can’t think who to send it to that would honestly give a shit. 

Everyone is struggling with their own life eh? They don’t need mine. 

I have had so much heartache and I feel palpable guilt that I’m still here. 

My upcoming wedding is throwing up all sorts at me that is so mixed. 
I don’t have the men giving me away that are supposed to

My brothers dead
My dads dead. 
Everyone’s dead. 

Im lonely? I leave that with a question mark because it’s not apparent to the outside world that that’s the case. 

I want friendships but maybe I’m isolating myself from keeping them going.

I don’t know what I want if I’m honest. 

I want to be settled, happy, have someone to come home to who’s delighted to see me, who is waiting to see me and just loves me. 

I want the normal life I never thought I wanted. 

I used my humour to cover how I feel about myself, How I say I didn’t need anyone but that’s because I thought no one wanted me. 

Like phoebe in friends when she finally has a normal wedding dress, after an unconventional life. 

Do I deserve what I crave? 

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