GETTING BACK TO ME!!!

"Sorry to hear your news, are you ok?" I don't wanna talk about it. I don't say that because I don't want to talk about my wonderful dad but I can't verbally express the pain without it being one mad ball of distress. I feel like I've been ok in the two weeks since dad passed away. Maybe I've been too ok because I had a phone call from someone dear to me today and I couldn't stop crying. I said to mum last week that I felt like I was taking dads passing a lot easier than Scott's and she said it's maybe because we had known dad was ill whereas Scott's death was abrupt and shocking. And that's where my guilt sets in:  why was one persons passing less distressing than another's. I was so completely in love with my dad and my brother that the fact I don't have the protectors is destroying me. I'm lost!! "I never dreamed you'd leave in summer!" - Michael jackson Why am I taking this so well? Why...

Here I am again. I had long since abandoned this blog because it got me through the death of my brother without the. Use of counselling. I haven't ever read it again, too painful but it got me on the sleepless nights when I had nightmares. So now I'm back here to Reprise my pain because I'm bereaved again. My father passed away 6 days ago. My dad. My wonderful auld Boab. My selfish grief stays with me and I can't see like I'm trying to. I know I will get through the hazy days because I've done it before. The heart is so strong and human courage does prevail to get you through situations you thought you could never ever cope with. You just cope! You struggle, and agonise and tear yourself apart to the point where you can't stand the thought of getting up in the morning. You get up, you breathe even though the one you adore doesn't anymore. My family isn't that big. It's dwindling down to nothing and I feel a huge amount of pressur...

04/01/16 WEIRD writing the 16 for the first time. Ever feel how did you get to this point in your life? im 34. 34!!! When i was 15,  that was impossibly old. Old bastards, you can sit at the adult table at Christmas. Mind you a lot of my friends are still in their twenties, and this guy i know always says to me, "why you hanging about with people so much younger than you/" I think after a certain age why does it matter how old you are? If you like someone you like them. You can't say "keep your personality for another ten years and then i'll hang about with you then.' You'll be older then yourself anyway. I dont feel any older apart from the wee crows feet around my eyes that are starting to spread like Birds of prey feet. 'DO NOT REGRET GROWING OLD. ITS A PRIVILEGE DENIED TO MANY!" How true! New years resolutions don't last do they really? You can say you're going to do this, save this, lose this, be that. End of the day,...

So usually as a fat person I get a footlong subway with pepperoni, salami cheese and mayo on a cheese bread.  This stuff will stop your heart.  So changed days for Angie I got ham, turkey on brown bread with salad. I wanted to punch myself in the face! Went to spin class last night and did some sit ups. Can't wait till im thin.  At the moment doing them I look like an upturned beetle. My mum said she can't notice a difference.  So did my dad which is some achievement cos he sometimes rugby tackles me if I try to have w kit Kat. So far so good until the usual Friday mess I'm gonna become my midnight. I'm lambrini Cinderella 

Malin Bjork  It's been 6 weeks since I decided to lose some weight cos my bmi was 41. I've now lost 19 pounds and it's down to just under 39. I hate the way I look. I've been doing up to 5 spin classes a week and have become one of those people who like going to exercise. Who is this person? Haven't given up the alcohol tho. Still like getting smashed on lambrini. Above is a picture on 1 September and then on 10 October to gage the difference.  I have included pictures of me a in bridesmaid dress which was really tight on 1 August to last night  01/0815 I am watching YouTube videos of this woman called Malin Bjork who makes some fitness videos and trying out this. Her ass is amazing. My ass is no bad to sit on but terrible to look at. To be fair it's my belly that's the main problem. I don't want it to touch the ground when I plank!!!😂😂👌🏻👌🏻 My main problem Was making excuses about not having time etc to exercise but I've prioritised. This is im...

I used to write all the time. Books are Filled with nonsense. But it wasn't nonsense to me.  Backstreet boys concert tickets, my child's birth in great detail, a painful divorce. Scrawlings and  scrawlings of my life on paper but then Facebook came along, and camera phones and no one writes anything anymore.  Paperless environment but steps too far forward into an era I don't want to be in. Days are happy these days. I feel a million times better than who I was this time four years ago. I feel like I'm the part in the wizard of Oz when Dorothy gets away from black and white and moves to Technicolour. People think I'm mad, Constantly I get comments like "you're crazy, you should be sectioned...."  Why? Cos I want to swim outdoors? Hah. Did that today by the way and videoed it with the caption, "swimming Towards a waterfall is like flirting with someone who's not interested. You try and you try but you don't get anywh...

So much time goes by, your mind gets blocked and you think you've moved on. You haven't. You just deal with it in a different way, something jolts me back to you. Music, smells, memories. I feel guilty. `i am making so many mistakes and don't have the back up of you, my big brother. My heart. Every day, im getting more and more tired, like i'm treading water until I get to see you again. Said before and said again, when does it get easier? When I can't remember you at all? But why would i want that? Why would I want to forget the one who made me what I am, my stupid loudness, clumsiness, weirdo-ness I am what I am because you were here and in a strange way, I am what i am because you're gone. Pain suffocates me as strong as it did the day you went. Moshing up in your room, i apologise, we smoked strawberry tea and burned the carpet. Mum would kill us if she knew where the burn came from. You climbed down the drain pipe and broke it. Pretty su...