GETTING BACK TO ME!!!

So much time goes by, your mind gets blocked and you think you've moved on. You haven't. You just deal with it in a different way, something jolts me back to you. Music, smells, memories. I feel guilty. `i am making so many mistakes and don't have the back up of you, my big brother. My heart. Every day, im getting more and more tired, like i'm treading water until I get to see you again. Said before and said again, when does it get easier? When I can't remember you at all? But why would i want that? Why would I want to forget the one who made me what I am, my stupid loudness, clumsiness, weirdo-ness I am what I am because you were here and in a strange way, I am what i am because you're gone. Pain suffocates me as strong as it did the day you went. Moshing up in your room, i apologise, we smoked strawberry tea and burned the carpet. Mum would kill us if she knew where the burn came from. You climbed down the drain pipe and broke it. Pretty su...

I was adopted, thats not a secret. its never been a secret. All this time, all these years of mystery,not knowing, fear, has ended. It has all culminated in this moment, this week, this very minute. To discover who you are after years of imagination is a strange feeling indeed. The imagination of a child is something that's lost as your years of cynicism take over. Not something you can help but something that happens regardless. Of course I had a theory of what had happened and some things that were pieced together throughout the year but nothing was ever set in stone. As an 8 year old I would shopping with my mother In Sauchiehall street and imagine the bio one lurching past me, a stranger but connected. It was a weird feeling. I would come home from school and see a strange car outside my parents house, that would be it. She had come to get me and terror struck. I wouldnt have known the blood if it had smacked me in the face. Scott never w...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OGTtPpVJDA The words in this song are the most apt ive seen in describing how you feel when you lose the ones you love. You had plans with them for the rest of your life, what was going to be, and they take them with them when they go. We are now 3 years in since I lost him, and although i am learning to live with his space in my life, the Budsie shaped hole he has left, and maybe i have controlled the crying so its not a daily thing, its still heartbreaking. I will never get to be an aunt, if i ever fall in love, he will never meet him. He was the only person Ive known every day of my life, every moment I had with him, I admired what my big brother was. I miss him, i miss you. Time is not a healer, time just dulls the person i was because you made me brighter, You made me happy. When you walked in the room, it made me feel confident, louder and protected. Thats what your big brother is supposed to be, a protector and you certainly did ...

03/01/13

03/01/13 New year? New Me?? Nah i dont do cliches.  I am what i am and what i am needs no excuses haha. I think ive quoted that before.  Anyway Christmas and New year are over and done with, another one down .  another one gotten through.  I have worked constantly through them, had 3 hours sleep most nights in order to 'get through;' If i didnt the tears would have come.  So i immersed myself in it, so much so that i lost my voice actually, much to other peoples glee and it still hasnt come back. So i pretended I was in 8 Mile for the Karaoke and this russian woman said "You are the best female rapper i have ever heard: while i was singing House of Pain.  Yeah cos thats my calling!!!! I felt like myself this year, like who i am. I smiled.  I was working at  the bells and was worried about feeling lonely in a place where everyone was full of hope for the future, kissing and cuddling bringing in a New year when i would be sta...

25/12/12  01:02 went to go to sleep after putting out reisse's presents and just sat on the couch looking at them.  I had a little cry for you, im not ashamed to admit. The missing you is agony.  WHy did you have to go?  Christmas Eve was our time when we were little. Mum and dad would always let us open each others presents to each other and that was the only one we were allowed to open.  I snuk into your cupboard a few times to peek at what you had bought me. Once you had bought me a ring binder with dolphins on it, when i was 12 and some used pencils haha.  You were angry cos i peeked, but gave me a chinese burn and smiled at my tears,  I wish my tears for you now were becuase you had hurt my arm. But they are for a much more painful reason.  Its so .......i dont even have a word just now Christmas without you is painful, in fact every day without you hurts.  Its only ok when you are not in my head, but one look at a ph...

12/12/12 Some say the world was supposed to end today. Some say its the 21st of December.  Some say it was last year, or the year 2000, etc etc etc.  Truth is, does it matter when its' going to end. It ends when it ends. Thats all.  Hope I'm not here to see it, and i hope no one else i love is either.  The world is full of superstition and people worry about things that havent happened and arent going to.  Whatever happens happens.  My life's been on hold for years, and everyone moves on. But i stand still like a static figure in Times Square.  There are things to look forward to but you have to create them first for yourselves.  I wish i could take my own advice. Coming up the Christmas, another Christmas without Budsie.  Coping is forgetting.  Some times its the only way i can get through a day is to put it out my mind.  I feel i have moved on a lot from when i started this blog though.  This time last y...