ARE YOU STILL THE SAME? 31/08/14
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OGTtPpVJDA
The words in this song are the most apt ive seen in describing how you feel when you lose the ones you love.
You had plans with them for the rest of your life, what was going to be, and they take them with them when they go.
We are now 3 years in since I lost him, and although i am learning to live with his space in my life, the Budsie shaped hole he has left, and maybe i have controlled the crying so its not a daily thing,
its still heartbreaking.
I will never get to be an aunt, if i ever fall in love, he will never meet him.
He was the only person Ive known every day of my life, every moment I had with him, I admired what my big brother was.
I miss him, i miss you.
Time is not a healer, time just dulls the person i was because you made me brighter, You made me happy.
When you walked in the room, it made me feel confident, louder and protected.
Thats what your big brother is supposed to be, a protector and you certainly did that for me.
You looked after me, you fought for me, you were there for me.
I went on a 13 hour drive around Scotland last week, right up to Oban, etc but I ended up in Perth.
I had to come and sit with your tree.
And the tears came again.
THe tears I try so hard to hold back every day, they came that day and they are coming now.
Your tree is no substitute for you, its too peaceful up there, too quiet.
You were not peaceful or quiet, I feel i have got louder in your absence as though i somehow have to make up for your lost personality.
I appear brighter, and happy but im not.
Im as lost as you are because every day i feel like im just winging things, i could do with you advice if im honest.
SO many things i want to ask your help with and i can't.
Im talking to dead air.
Sometimes still though, I sit and feel as though I can sense you around me, like a hand on my shoulder, and maybe it is just hope or imagination but that doesnt matter.
To me, its a way you're still here and i can have you back for that moment.
Im treading water, living sometimes in the past, and yes its easier to pretend nothings changed, nothings different,
Im terrified I'll forget the sound of your voice, the way you smelled of fags haha.
'To world you are merely someone
To someone you are the world"
You certainly are to me, and don't you forget it Budsie
You had plans with them for the rest of your life, what was going to be, and they take them with them when they go.
We are now 3 years in since I lost him, and although i am learning to live with his space in my life, the Budsie shaped hole he has left, and maybe i have controlled the crying so its not a daily thing,
its still heartbreaking.
I will never get to be an aunt, if i ever fall in love, he will never meet him.
He was the only person Ive known every day of my life, every moment I had with him, I admired what my big brother was.
I miss him, i miss you.
Time is not a healer, time just dulls the person i was because you made me brighter, You made me happy.
When you walked in the room, it made me feel confident, louder and protected.
Thats what your big brother is supposed to be, a protector and you certainly did that for me.
You looked after me, you fought for me, you were there for me.
I went on a 13 hour drive around Scotland last week, right up to Oban, etc but I ended up in Perth.
I had to come and sit with your tree.
And the tears came again.
THe tears I try so hard to hold back every day, they came that day and they are coming now.
Your tree is no substitute for you, its too peaceful up there, too quiet.
You were not peaceful or quiet, I feel i have got louder in your absence as though i somehow have to make up for your lost personality.
I appear brighter, and happy but im not.
Im as lost as you are because every day i feel like im just winging things, i could do with you advice if im honest.
SO many things i want to ask your help with and i can't.
Im talking to dead air.
Sometimes still though, I sit and feel as though I can sense you around me, like a hand on my shoulder, and maybe it is just hope or imagination but that doesnt matter.
To me, its a way you're still here and i can have you back for that moment.
Im treading water, living sometimes in the past, and yes its easier to pretend nothings changed, nothings different,
Im terrified I'll forget the sound of your voice, the way you smelled of fags haha.
'To world you are merely someone
To someone you are the world"
You certainly are to me, and don't you forget it Budsie
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