GETTING BACK TO ME!!!

04/01/16 WEIRD writing the 16 for the first time. Ever feel how did you get to this point in your life? im 34. 34!!! When i was 15,  that was impossibly old. Old bastards, you can sit at the adult table at Christmas. Mind you a lot of my friends are still in their twenties, and this guy i know always says to me, "why you hanging about with people so much younger than you/" I think after a certain age why does it matter how old you are? If you like someone you like them. You can't say "keep your personality for another ten years and then i'll hang about with you then.' You'll be older then yourself anyway. I dont feel any older apart from the wee crows feet around my eyes that are starting to spread like Birds of prey feet. 'DO NOT REGRET GROWING OLD. ITS A PRIVILEGE DENIED TO MANY!" How true! New years resolutions don't last do they really? You can say you're going to do this, save this, lose this, be that. End of the day,...

So usually as a fat person I get a footlong subway with pepperoni, salami cheese and mayo on a cheese bread.  This stuff will stop your heart.  So changed days for Angie I got ham, turkey on brown bread with salad. I wanted to punch myself in the face! Went to spin class last night and did some sit ups. Can't wait till im thin.  At the moment doing them I look like an upturned beetle. My mum said she can't notice a difference.  So did my dad which is some achievement cos he sometimes rugby tackles me if I try to have w kit Kat. So far so good until the usual Friday mess I'm gonna become my midnight. I'm lambrini Cinderella 

Malin Bjork  It's been 6 weeks since I decided to lose some weight cos my bmi was 41. I've now lost 19 pounds and it's down to just under 39. I hate the way I look. I've been doing up to 5 spin classes a week and have become one of those people who like going to exercise. Who is this person? Haven't given up the alcohol tho. Still like getting smashed on lambrini. Above is a picture on 1 September and then on 10 October to gage the difference.  I have included pictures of me a in bridesmaid dress which was really tight on 1 August to last night  01/0815 I am watching YouTube videos of this woman called Malin Bjork who makes some fitness videos and trying out this. Her ass is amazing. My ass is no bad to sit on but terrible to look at. To be fair it's my belly that's the main problem. I don't want it to touch the ground when I plank!!!😂😂👌🏻👌🏻 My main problem Was making excuses about not having time etc to exercise but I've prioritised. This is im...

I used to write all the time. Books are Filled with nonsense. But it wasn't nonsense to me.  Backstreet boys concert tickets, my child's birth in great detail, a painful divorce. Scrawlings and  scrawlings of my life on paper but then Facebook came along, and camera phones and no one writes anything anymore.  Paperless environment but steps too far forward into an era I don't want to be in. Days are happy these days. I feel a million times better than who I was this time four years ago. I feel like I'm the part in the wizard of Oz when Dorothy gets away from black and white and moves to Technicolour. People think I'm mad, Constantly I get comments like "you're crazy, you should be sectioned...."  Why? Cos I want to swim outdoors? Hah. Did that today by the way and videoed it with the caption, "swimming Towards a waterfall is like flirting with someone who's not interested. You try and you try but you don't get anywh...

So much time goes by, your mind gets blocked and you think you've moved on. You haven't. You just deal with it in a different way, something jolts me back to you. Music, smells, memories. I feel guilty. `i am making so many mistakes and don't have the back up of you, my big brother. My heart. Every day, im getting more and more tired, like i'm treading water until I get to see you again. Said before and said again, when does it get easier? When I can't remember you at all? But why would i want that? Why would I want to forget the one who made me what I am, my stupid loudness, clumsiness, weirdo-ness I am what I am because you were here and in a strange way, I am what i am because you're gone. Pain suffocates me as strong as it did the day you went. Moshing up in your room, i apologise, we smoked strawberry tea and burned the carpet. Mum would kill us if she knew where the burn came from. You climbed down the drain pipe and broke it. Pretty su...

I was adopted, thats not a secret. its never been a secret. All this time, all these years of mystery,not knowing, fear, has ended. It has all culminated in this moment, this week, this very minute. To discover who you are after years of imagination is a strange feeling indeed. The imagination of a child is something that's lost as your years of cynicism take over. Not something you can help but something that happens regardless. Of course I had a theory of what had happened and some things that were pieced together throughout the year but nothing was ever set in stone. As an 8 year old I would shopping with my mother In Sauchiehall street and imagine the bio one lurching past me, a stranger but connected. It was a weird feeling. I would come home from school and see a strange car outside my parents house, that would be it. She had come to get me and terror struck. I wouldnt have known the blood if it had smacked me in the face. Scott never w...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OGTtPpVJDA The words in this song are the most apt ive seen in describing how you feel when you lose the ones you love. You had plans with them for the rest of your life, what was going to be, and they take them with them when they go. We are now 3 years in since I lost him, and although i am learning to live with his space in my life, the Budsie shaped hole he has left, and maybe i have controlled the crying so its not a daily thing, its still heartbreaking. I will never get to be an aunt, if i ever fall in love, he will never meet him. He was the only person Ive known every day of my life, every moment I had with him, I admired what my big brother was. I miss him, i miss you. Time is not a healer, time just dulls the person i was because you made me brighter, You made me happy. When you walked in the room, it made me feel confident, louder and protected. Thats what your big brother is supposed to be, a protector and you certainly did ...