GETTING BACK TO ME!!!

29/10/12 HAD A lot of bad days lately mixed in with good ones, lowest one in a while was last Thursday.  My sister in Law has taken off to New zealand for a while to live a little. Quit her job and off on an adventure. She doesn't think i was pleased about it but despite my protestations, nothing could be further from the truth.  Im so pleased for her, that she has the strength to do this. Its something I would have done had i not had a son. Better than staying here and having to cope and drag yourself miserably through each day, might as well do it somewhere beautiful you've always wanted to go.  They had planned to go to New Zealand together, but it always was too expensive and they never made it. She is taking the last of his ashes over and I think there's a hill named after our town so they will go there.  My dad said yesterday "Poor Budsie, he always seemed to work so hard and never had any money to his name. " Thats true, i suppose, Him and I always ...

13/10/12 been thinking a lot this week about my brother and things are falling apart around me.  I thought i was getting better there for a while, not thinking every single second about him and not crying every day but then i realised that the only reason that i wasnt was because i wasnt letting myself.  Its too painful  No rule book exists for this kind of thing. Because you never think it will happen to you. Not just death of someone close to you but anything bad.  Yeah you can read about it in Take a Break and think "thats a shame" but its sympathy mixed with relief because its something you will never have to deal with.  Thats the way i felt, and it is easy to put the person who died on a pedestal because they're gone but remembering the times when they did your head in is essential because thats what shaped the relationship you had.  My brother wasn't perfect. He lied a lot. But it was funny and stupid lies mostly.  We went on a crui...

13/10/12 You are just treading water. I have a day off and am doing nothing, absolutely nothing  Truth is i can';t think of anything i want to do. I feel worried and anxious about things.  and envious.  thats a lot of 'ious' words there haha. My life feels so much different to the way things used to be. I was married.....for life i thought. but looking back over those old diaries, it was full of defeatism. Like i just expected this to be it even though it wasnt a happy relationship. I just thought that when you got married it was going to be forever. But it has to be the right marriage and the right relationship doesnt it.  Whats the point of staying there because its expected.  Gone are the days when in the fifties, you got married, raised the kids and that was it  In a way im grateful for my failed marriage because it makes me who i am today.  Everything in your life shapes who you become. i wish i could be someone better, someon...

07/09/2012 See the thing i hate most about when you're single is you kinda turn into a psycho. You want to talk about him all the time, phone him all the time and text constantly, talk about him with your friends, if you meet someone you're interested in.  Problem is, guys see this as psycho behaviour.  Maybe it is. In fact, yeah it probably is a bit.  The fact is that arrrgh, i cant be too honest about stuff like this because any boys reading this will see into our secrets as women, and any women reading it will say, 'im not like that!!!!' its easier to not have any interest in anyone as then you won't be sittin by the phone with sweat of desperation dripping down your forehead while you wait for them to call when they're probably sitting at home on their x box with one of those stupid headseats on, swearing at foreign strangers. People play games.  I hate that. I think if you like someone you should just say, 'your face is alright. `i like your...

07/10/12 Time's going on.....and on.....and on.  When people go, do they vanish? that's a whole big story. I have thoughts and beliefs but im also easily swayed by other people.  My life is a mess just now. No better than it has been the last few months and plunging into waiting for something to happen.  I want something good for me to happen, but if it ever came, i would push it away because my guilt would make me feel bad for accepting it. it's hard, isnt it? Without turning this in to a 'woe is me' post, life is hard for the most part.  Oh man, im actually watching The Only Way is essex just now and i honestly feel like i lose brain cells every time it comes on but i still watch it. WHHYYYYYY???? One guy just said "Your eyes are so big they're like conkers on your face!!!' WTF?? Met this guy the other day and i'll be honest, can't be too honest, in case he reads this, chances are he won't but then if he does, it ...