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What you Gonna do Now?

  Do you know what?   I don’t care. I’ve always told people stuff about my life why would I stop now, I’m heartbroken that someone I loved so much and trusted to have my back would treat me like this.   We both had plans for our older lives that’s what was in our vows. How we would be there for each other if we were Ill, how we travelled the world, how life was so exciting,  In the end chris was wanting “peace!” He said that I hadn’t changed but he just tolerated me more in the beginning.  That’s nice eh? Went from being obsessed and having never known love like it to “tolerating” me when I would tell him about my day.  If the truth be told I’ve had so many. Washed with people saying “you’ve been through tough times, you lost your brother you post your dad etc you’ll Come through this. And I get that. I have but I don’t want to keep having to pull myself up over and over again.  I’m done really tbh. Just done!  I’ve been at the bottom and phoned Samaritans and had some incredi
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Give me a Light Back

  Give me a light back   When I walk in the dark  Give me a smile back  When I’m broke in the heart  Let me remember how I became who I am How I woke up one morning and felt changed  Help me wake a different day  And realise they’re better  Give me a little piece back  Just enough that makes me remember  I’m the same as I was..... but better  Accept the lunacy that is me every minute  The lost child I was to the helpless age I am now    Help me be happy at the end of every day  To walk into something I’ll love  Give me moments to look forward to  And somewhere to aim  Make beautiful minutes into outstanding years  Everyone needs something to look forward to Right?  Give me a light back.
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Build a life....

  I’m trying to build a life That’s worthy of me  And I of it  To wake up early and watch the rain  I’m trying to remember I deserve love  And those I love are life  I’m trying to remind myself that minutes will end  And time will march I’m trying to manage every day when it’s a struggle  When the step in front of me seems too far And too difficult  I’m trying to remember that I’m lucky  That I have time left at the end of every day  And that youth was helpful  I need to have faith that the plan for me is happy  I’m trying to remind myself that I’m lucky to see the ruby sky at night And the stars grow old with me too  Im trying remember the carefree skips that ruled every day  When things didn’t matter  I don’t want them to matter anymore  I’m trying to remember that the music in my head is what makes the soul dance  And it needs to be louder  I need to be louder  I’m trying to remember im grateful for age and for when my bones ache it reminds me im al
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I"m Trying

  I used to write a lot.   I couldn’t sleep so I wrote this ✍️                                 I’M TRYING….. I’m trying to build a life That’s worthy of me  And I of it  To wake up early and watch the rain  I’m trying to remember I deserve love  And those I love are life  I’m trying to remind myself that minutes will end  And time will march I’m trying to manage every day when it’s a struggle  When the step in front of me seems too far And too difficult  I’m trying to remember that I’m lucky  That I have time left at the end of every day  And that youth was helpful  I need to have faith that the plan for me is happy and worthwhile  And that the tears will lead to the right road I’m trying to remind myself that I’m lucky to see the ruby sky at night And the stars grow old with me too  Im trying remember the carefree skips that ruled every day  When things didn’t matter  Things that seemed huge and hurtful don’t matter  I don’t want them to matter anym
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Me and Me against The Night

  Me and me against the night  When it reminds me that I’ll walk in the darkness by myself again.  I’ve come out the dusk before but this time feels so different I’m not alone because someone died I’m alone because someone didn’t want my heart anymore  I was amazing before  And I haven’t changed but hearing “its not you it’s me” doesn’t ease the trauma  As much as hearing strangers tell me their disdain for my heartbreak, it still makes me ache to the point that food cloys in my stomach.  I wasn’t in the same place as you, I still had the love I had always.  Will that fade away for me just because yours has?  The pain is a physical bolt because I saw you as my forever and then the sun set too soon.  And it’s darkness again. 
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MILAN ON MY OWN - END OF THE BEGINNING

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  What you doing right now? Im looking out the window at some clouds, flying above the clouds and contemplating the difference of the last weeks.  On my way to my first solo trip to MILAN, ive always wanted to go to Italy, Lockdown happened, heartbreak happened but here I am now. Im happening.  NO arguments, no fighting, but an aching in my eyes that tell me at the age of 40 im going on solo trips. I saw couples excitedly arm in arm waiting to go own their trip so they can lovingly link up together.  Please dont misunderstand me, my rose tinted glasses are on at the moment and I need so smash them. They don’t belong on my face anymore but neither does disdain and hurt.  This is just another step in getting back to who I was. I always wanted to travel when I was younger, cruise ship cabarets, seven wonders of the world. They are mind for the taking.  I have been well travelled most of my life and in the latter months of the miserable marriage, he would tell me he was avoiding m
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I didn’t know anyone still reads this.....

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24/06/20 I just got an email from 2018 from someone who says she loved my blog.  I honestly don’t even imagine anyone reading this let alone loving it so thank you if you do. If you don’t, then you’ll never see this anyway haha. For anyone thats interested at all, an update is I’ve travelled to 18 countries in two years, met a belter of a man and got married last year. Here’s a picture for anyone bothered.   We were obsessed with each other straight away, met 3 months after my dad passed away.  We met on plenty of fish and during our ceremony i said ‘I was only there for a look>’ he said “I was only there for a fish!’ Everyone had a wee chuckle. Anyway i think i will start using this blog again, i miss writing and it was therapeutic for me to be honest,.  Maybe i was supposed to meet Chris after i lost my dad and my brother, they felt someone should look after me, i hope he does that for the rest of our lives.  Not a lot has been happening at the moment be
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