GETTING BACK TO ME!!!

21//11/12  On a note that life does indeed go on, thought i would inject a little needed humour into a dark and gloomy blog as anyone that does know, knows there's a hearty laugh going on behind the misery, or should that be in front of the misery.  I cannot spend life grieving for death, i have to breathe and have decided that i want to breathe inside a body that isn't so filled with flab.  For that reason, I joined Weightwatchers for the second time. I was going last year just before Budsie went and lost a fair bit but he went and it fucked it up haha  He fucked everything up, selfish twat.  So i waddled in through the double doors, (you have to go in through the double ones, Jo says, single ones don;'t fit. The more weight you lose the less doors you can go through). Its like a weight labyrinth  So i sit down, start chatting to old Mary beside me and jolly along, almost accepting tea from the withered hand stretching out towards. I look up,...

21/11/12 NO tea and sympathy for you, empathy for everyone else.  Spent the evening with my dad, wonderful man that he is, chatting, tea drinking and as i left he says "We'll never get over Budsie will we?" I shook my head and said "No, but life goes on. For us anyway."  God Bless Budsie.  I feel so sad tonight, melancholy and reflective.  I put my arms around my dad, he's nearly 70, he loves me. Of course he does, I hear you say.  Sometimes they used to tell me that they loved us more than biological parents because we were chosen. PLucked like Orphan Annie, to be loved.  It takes a special someone to do that for children that are not theirs.  They never once made us feel like we didn't belong, not for a second. 

14/11/12 Ever see that film Yes Man?  Jim Carrey is challenged to say Yes to everything because he was so miserable and never said yes to anything.  Maybe i should do that.  For so long I have missed out on everything.  I think as ive said before theres a lot i have forgotten since Budsie went. Whole weeks and maybe months went past when i honestly couldnt tell you. Fragments maybe but certainly not full minutes or hours.  I was in a happy place before his death tore us apart. Reisse and i had our little bubble, I was at Weightwatchers and doing not bad with that, we had money, and reisse said "Our lives happy just now isnt' it?" CALM BEFORE THE STORM, SPOKE TOO SOON.  Maybe im trying to capiture that happiness again, by recreating the exact scene except you cant because the vital part is gone, my heart, my brother.  He would probably be mortified me writing about him like this, but sometimes its easier to write about him in the biblica...

14/11/12 You know i started tonights post, its almost midnight with a positive intention, to be back to the happy go lucky, average self i used to be and to say "Yeah ive turned a corner, im going to be happy from now on!!"  Much easier said than done, the guilt is overwhelming the minute i clicked onto this page. Guilt is a part of my life no matter whats going on in it, whether its as a mother, as a friend, as an employee, its in my nature to feel bad.   Its  not easy to just say i wont be like that anymore.  I am coming to a realisation though that you are gone!!!!! YOU ARE GONE!!!!!! You're not coming back are you Budsie?  THats phrased as a question although of course i know the answer, its a rhetorical one. I know ill never hear your voice again unless its coming from a torrid and inanimate iphone screen. I WANT to be better, happier, more like myself and to be the person i want to be.  To do that, as heart wrenching as it seems, ...

09/11/12 LIfe ticks along, its almost christmas again, and another one without you. I phoned Tmobile today to cancel your phone contract and kept getting cut off, after over an hour on hold , i got this woman who asked why I wanted to cancel and kept trying to get me to upgrade to a better phone and just said "Yeah cos Scott's died. !' She must have been like, who the hell is Scott, and why don't you want an upgrade.  Its so hard telling people you're, you know, that word. Mum had a woman on the phone about a month after you left and obviously didn't know about you, so she had to interupt and say "we've had a tragedy' Yeah we are THAT family now. The ones in the magazines who lose someone and you just don't prepare yourself. See when you're with someone every day, You know how i love photos  and videos, I wish i had more videos of my brother. I just want to hear  his voice again. I only have a couple and watch the...